“Oh! You’re having a birthday? That means you’re one step closer to death.”
That’s a line from the old Sailor Moon anime spoken by Minako “Sailor Venus” Aino in response to Usagi “Sailor Moon” Tsukino’s declaration that her birthday’s coming up. It’s supposed to be a funny line, but at the same time, there is a hint of truth behind that statement. Every year that goes by, the door to the great beyond inches its way ever so closely. Fewer of those ahead than there are behind us. That sort of thing.
That’s what these birthdays start to feel like after a while. One step closer to death.
Today, I turn 45.
That means forty-five steps closer to death.
And sometimes, I find myself asking how many more steps I need to take before I eventually get there.
By most accounts, your mid-forties is usually the point where you start to undergo a process called a midlife crisis. According to the 25-year old free encyclopedian database known as a Wikipedia, a midlife crisis is “a transition of identity and self-confidence that can occur in middle-aged individuals, typically 40 to 65 years old. The phenomenon is described as a psychological crisis brought about by events that highlight a person’s growing age, inevitable mortality, and possible lack of accomplishments in life. This may produce feelings of intense depression, remorse, and high levels of anxiety; or the desire to achieve youthfulness, make drastic changes to their current lifestyle, or change past decisions and events.”
Yeah, I’ve been feeling that sensation since my twenties… and right now, I’m at the point where I just want it all to end. In fact, I’m pretty much done with this shit. Can I get off this ride known as life?
Right, so I can see that being a little unnerving for some folks, so allow me to cool things off before someone gets the wrong idea. This commentary is not doubling as a suicide note, a cry for help, or anything of the sort. I am not going to take a long walk off a pier, jump into the path of a running train, or OD on a bunch of meds and shit… not when I’ve got a live stream scheduled later today. Yes, there are times when I’m feeling somewhat depressed or undergoing some periods of anxiety… and yes, those days can be pretty brutal, but they’ve also been far less frequent compared to past years.
At this very moment, as I type out this piece of business that is scheduled to go live at the very time that I am supposedly born, I am doing just fine. I’m in relatively good health in spite of my condition (which I’ve talked about in the past), I’m in a fairly good mental space more often than not, there have been more better days than there have been bad ones, I’ve been getting more sleep than I’d probably care for, but I’m told that this is a step in the right direction… towards what, I have no clue, but I’ll take their word for it… for now, anyway. Truth be told, I’m in a better place now than I’ve been in years to the degree that I’ve got more stuff done in the past year or two alone than I have in quite some time.
Not enough, of course… it’s never enough… but again, it’s that step in the right direction… whatever that direction actually points to. I’m not quite sure on that count.
I need you to understand something, though. There was a time when I truly did consider ending it all. Actually, I’d say that there were a couple times where I really came close to doing the deed, but there was a point in my twenties where I was still trying to figure things out. I made choices in my youth that I’ve come to regret, listened to advice that I probably shouldn’t have taken… and what ended up happening was mistakes were made and I found myself in a spot that I saw no light. And so there would be weeks where I’m just going through the motions and waiting for that one moment where I would just snap and do the deed.
And I came close to doing it too… when an opportunity came around. One that I had not considered, but decided to take the chance. And that decision turned out to be the right one. It got the ball rolling on one life path that continues to some degree, today.
The other time was later in life… and honestly, I was in a worse headspace at that point… to the extent that I had to find things to distract myself from that dark void that threatened to swallow me whole. This was around 2015… which is when this blog featured a LOT of material posted on here. Whether it was in terms of video fodder or posts or whatever the case may be. I just found the time to push aside the darkness and focus on this hobby that kept my head straight. And I will stress something here; 2015 turned out to be a pivotal point in this blog. It was when I started taking things a little more seriously and keep track of things. Wrestling Musings, video reviews, and other bits and bobs.
Sometimes, you need an outlet to vent on things. And sometimes, you just want to vent about things you’ve played or seen. It’s the sort of catharsis that I needed. It’s the thing that kept me going for better or worse. Sure, there’s family, friends, and gainful employment that keeps the lights on for a bit… but as someone who is largely introverted, I needed something that didn’t involve other people’s feelings… this comes close enough. But it was around this time where I sort of made an internal promise to myself that if I ever reached the age of 45 and was not at a point where I could confidently say that I’m truly content with life or something resembling it… well, I need not say more, do I?
Well, that time has come.
And you know what? I don’t know what criteria I established for myself. I’m not sure that I’m any better off than I was ten years ago. Not quite sure I’ve reached whatever goal I laid out for myself back in the day… but am I in any position to say that life sucks and I want to end it all right now?
Not really.
Yeah, life kinda sucks. Not immediately, but look outside and see how much worse things have gotten. The surroundings and the world stage is… something that I’m not touching because then we’d be here all day and I’d probably lose most of you reading this because this is the age of frail egos and weak wills.
But as far as wanting to end it all?
Not quite there.
Could it happen?
I don’t know… maybe… but I can tell you that I came close twice to doing it when I was younger and somehow I’m still here. So as much as there is wrong, there has to be something going right if I’m still here.
Honestly, I’m in a better space mentally than I’ve been in years. Could things be better? Always. Is it always a smooth ride? Of course not… but am I content with how things are?
Meh.
Close enough.
Those are my birthday thoughts. Somewhat morbid, but somewhat honest.
I promise there’s some genuine fun stuff coming up.
New Ramble video coming up later and possibly a live stream… and that live stream is going to cover a game that’s going to be the focus of Monday’s video review.
You see, kids? Plenty of fun stuff to look forward to…
Later.
