Ramblemania Classic

Ramblemania 39

Also considered for a tag-line: “The Story Isn’t Finished, But Your Push Damn Sure Is!”

Wrestlemania 39 took place last weekend; two nights of Wrestlemania, with one night easily considered to be one of the best Wrestlemania cards ever put together and the other night… well, you know.

This was the first time that I was actively looking forward to a Wrestlemania. Hell, it was the first time that I was actively invested in a major WWE storyline without all of the usual trappings that would be associated with. I was actually enjoying the ride that they were taking me on for the first time in a long, LONG while. I was actually intrigued by how things were going to turn out. And Wrestlemania turned out to be a tale of two shows. One show living up to the hype and delivering the pay-off to one of the most engaging storylines in years and the other… well, you know the old saying about the more things change…

The funny thing is that at the end of night one, I could safely that I had a good time. I will go so far to say that night one was one of the best Wrestlemania cards put together on PPV and it all came together thanks to all the superstars who made it happen. The way I saw it, Night One went down exactly as it should and everything played out exactly as it needed to. It was a good feeling.

But as the good feeling started to fall away, there was a dark thought came to mind. A thought that was fleeting and yet that fleeting moment was enough to cast doubt on the second night. It was the thought that if Night One is where everything would go right, then Night Two is where everything would come crumbling down.

Sure enough…

Okay, let’s get this over with.

NIGHT ONE
April 1st, 2023

The show opens with comedian Kevin Hart narrating over some classic Mania footage… and also some of the not-so-classic stuff. There is also some rather unfunny bits here and there, but on a whole, not a bad open. This is followed by Miz and Snoop Dogg wasting time. This will be a bit of a recurring thing with this show, but that’s to be expected.

United States Champion AUSTIN THEORY defeated John Cena to retain the title in a typical John Cena match. If you’ve seen every single John Cena match in the history of the whole damn universe, you know what to expect. The only thing missing is the crowd chanting “JOHN CENA SUCKS” during the entrance. Eventually, the ref gets bumped, Cena goes for his STFU, Theory taps, Cena notices the ref is down, gets low-blowed by Theory and pinned after his finish for the win.

Street Profits defeated Braun Strowman/Ricochet, The Viking Raiders, and the Alpha Academy in the “Wrestlemania Showcase Showdown” to presumably get a title shot down the road. This was short, this was a bunch of guys doing a bunch of fun bits, and was entertaining enough. Street Profits would then appear on RAW and get killed by the tag champs in a non-title match. So much for that push.

Austin Creed and the UpUpDownDown crew preview the next map with the new WWE video game. Well, at least he’s getting paid.

Seth Rollins defeated Logan Paul in a match that featured some dude in a Prime Bottle costume trying to help LP by placing Seth on a table, only for Seth to swap places with the bottle dude so that Paul frogsplash through him instead. I have no idea who this person is, but apparently, they’re a big deal. I’ll give Paul credit; he’s no longer trying to be a white meat babyface and is embracing his douchebaggery. And yes, this was a great little showcase of Seth Rollins carrying the other guy to a great match. I’d sing more praises if I cared one iota about Logan Paul and if Seth Rollins had a better gimmick than some laughing mentally challenged prick with a shitty song that people like to sing because it’s easier to remember how to sing it.

Becky Lynch, Lita, and Trish Stratus defeated Bay Ley, Dakota Kai, and Iyo Sky in a thing that happened. Well, at least they got paid.

Rey Mysterio defeated Dominick Mysterio in a fine match between the deadbeat dad and the prison-served son, albeit one that would’ve been better off without all the run-ins from the Judgment Day people, the LWO people – no, they didn’t bring back the LWO; they just gave the name to the current Latin gimmick group… and there was also a dude dressed in cereal… and that Bad Bunny fellow who is supposed to be really popular. The entrances were kinda neat, too; Dominick, fully embracing his time spent in HARD TIME, comes out cuffed and escorted by rent-a-cops while wearing one of Rey’s classic masks. Rey, meanwhile, gets the Eddie Guerrero lowrider entrance and even Eddie’s last WWE theme plays for a bit before it goes to Rey’s regular tune… with Rey sporting a new detailed mask that harkens to the Great Muta’s lovely headwear.

Like I said, this was a fine match and I’m glad to see Dominick being able to hold his own against his (fake) father and living up to the legacy of his real one. I would’ve been much happier if they just kept the run-ins to a minimum, but again, that was to be expected. Still, the crowd was into this one and at the end of the day, the right guy won. This gets a gold star.

Rhea Ripley defeated Smackdown Women’s Champion Charlotte Flair via top-rope Riptide finisher to win the title and get her long overdue win back from a couple years back when she lost the NXT Women’s title to Baby Flair in an empty Performance Center. I’ll be honest; I wasn’t feeling this match at all. Anything involving Charlotte Flair is already coming in cold in my book and the only expectation is seeing Rhea win this one. But I will give them this; this was a damn fine match. Both women brought their working boots on this night and did their absolute damndest to make you forget they had a so-so match in an empty warehouse with a disappointing ending. And it’s safe to say that they succeeded.

Miz and Snoop Dog waste more time before on-and-off commentator and football guy Pat McAfee comes out and challenges Miz to a match. Snoop Dog makes the match official – because he can – and Pat defeats Miz in a quick match, retaining his “undefeated” Wrestlemania record… because apparently him losing to Vince last year doesn’t count. On the other hand, the guy saying this is Michael Cole, who is also “undefeated” at Wrestlemania.

Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn defeated Undisputed Tag-Team Champions THE USOS to win the titles in a tremendous, TREMENDOUS main event that saw a year-ish long storyline pay off in a satisfying fashion. Admittedly, this match started off a bit on the slow side of things, but the longer this went, the more the crowd got into it. And when Sami delivered that final volley of Helluva Kicks to Jey for the final pinfall – with KO cockblocking a run-in from Jimmy – the crowd popped HUGE. There were a lot of twist and turns along this journey and some decisions were questioned along the way, but when all was said and done, the journey came to an end at the right place and at the right time, with the right people being triumphant at the end of the night. And that is how you pay off people’s investment in a story.

And that was when a wonderful chapter of WWE storyline came to an end… in more ways than one.

It’s worth noting that I was able to watch both Nights each in a single sitting and part of that was because I expected the shows to run at least four hours and they both ended just shy of four hours. And yes, a lot of the runtime was padded with video packages and constant product placement commercials, but for what it’s worth, the pacing was largely smooth on both nights.

NIGHT TWO

We open the show with Kevin Hart in a bathrobe… and then the Miz and Snoop Dog welcomes us to Wrestlemania. I guess they kissed and made up.

Brock Lesnar defeated Omos in a match that was short, but sweet. This was all about Lesnar trying to suplex this Omos fellow, who is a genuinely tall bastard. But he’d eventually suplex Omos and give him an F5 for the win. Hey, for what it was, this was a fun little spectacle and the crowd was into it, so that helped a bit.

Ronda Rousey and Shayna Bazler defeated Nattie/Shotzi and two other teams who don’t matter in the other “Wrestlemania Showcase Showdown” to get a title shot down the road… or something. This was a thing that happened… with Ronda doing very little because she injured her arm at some point… but she still won the match. Well, at least they got paid.

Bobby Lashley comes out to show off the Andre The Giant trophy that he won at Smackdown by surviving a Jobber Battle Royal. The guy went from possibly having a match with Bray Wyatt (who apparently fell off the face of the Earth… again) to having a token appearance at Mania lifting a jobber trophy… I don’t know if this is supposed to be a step up or down, in all honestly.

Intercontinental champion GUNTHER defeated Sheamus and Drew McIntyre in a “three big fuckers beating the fuck out of each other” match to retain the title. Simple, straightforward three-way hoss fight with three big hosses that the crowd was into. For all intents and purposes, this was my party match and while you could debate who should’ve come out of this the winner, this was really a case where I would’ve been happy with any of these guys coming out on top… okay, that’s a lie. There is no reason for GUNTHER to lose this one. At all. That man is amazing.

RAW Women’s Champion Bianca Belair, who comes out to a dance troup of little kids – I get annoyed with these entrances running long, but even I have to admit that this was a cute act. It also hits a bit different when you find out one of the little girls – the contortionist – found out that her mother had passed away that day and she still went out on stage to perform. That’s a level of bravery few people could match under that circumstance and I wish her all the best.

Anyway, so Biance retains the title over Asuka in a pretty good match. Not quite up to the level of Rhea/Charlotte from night one, but still a fine match on its own and more than makes up for the lousy women’s tag matches.

Miz and Snoop Dog do their thing again, which brings out SHANE MCMAHON of all people… SHANE MCMAHON, for fuck’s sake… and he challenges Miz to a match. Miz declines, but Snoop Dog makes it official because… I guess he can do that now. So Shane is doing his shuffle and then all of a sudden, he falls down… apparently, he pulled a Nash and tore his quad. You can tell because they stop showing Shane and focus on Miz, who just stands there. And you can also tell Miz isn’t very bright because he doesn’t call for the bell to end the match and declare him the winner via forfeit; if nothing else, so he could get his win back. And so out of nowhere, Snoop Dog punches Miz and does the People’s Elbow before pinning the guy himself. That Snoop Dog sure is a worker; books a match between two people so that he could take the win for himself… but kudos to him for thinking on his feet and making the most out of an ugly situation. Best wishes to Shane McMahon on a speedy recovery, though I’m not sure it was worth the effort.

“Brood” Edge (don’t @ me; they actually called him that) defeated “The Demon” Finn Balor in a Hell In A Cell match. The daylight sort of ruined the entrances for both wrestlers; with Edge going back to the old Brood “emerging from the fire pits” schtick and Balor coming out as his Demon alterego that I don’t think he’s used in a good long while. Had this been later at night or in a darker stadium, the effect would’ve been stronger, but regardless, it was a neat moment… not so neat is Edge’s weird metal face mask gimmick, but they can’t all be winners.

Case in point: Balor suffering a nasty gash causing him to bleed buckets as a result of Edge throwing a ladder his way. So much so that they had Edge throwing shit around to distract from the fact that they had a bunch of doctors and medical personnel stitch this poor bastard up. Other than that, this was a no-holds barred fight within the confines of Hell In A Cell. Not exactly up to the standard of the best Cell matches (not involving people falling off the top of the cage), but it was fairly entertaining. And it was nice to see an Edge match that didn’t last five years; this only lasted less than 20 minutes.

Undisputed WWE Champion Roman Reigns defeated Cody Rhodes to retain the title. Look, let me get this out of the way. The match itself was great; quite possibly Cody’s best match up to this point both terms of the overall story being told as well as the crowd reactions, which were nowhere near as negative as people had feared going in. This played out almost note for note like the Sami match in Montreal; they test each other, they start slow, things pick up, eventually the run-ins come in with the Usos trying to get their licks in, but KO and Sami come in to nullify that advantage. And just as Cody is about to score the final pin, Paul pops up to distract the ref, allowing that Solo guy to come in and spike Cody, which allows Roman to hit the spear for the pin. Hope you enjoyed your time in the sun, Cody. Have fun chasing the 24/7 title when they eventually bring that back. And to anyone anywhere else hoping to see this as a sign that WWE was changing its ways, let this be a fucking wake up call.

There are people who are going to make excuses over the ending of this thing. “Vince is back in charged and they changed the ending at the last minute because that’s a Vince thing to do.” Or maybe it was “Uncle Paul’s ultimate revenge for Cody wrecking the throne at the first Double Or Nothing show.” Or maybe it was “Well, Cody is a bigger star by losing at Wrestlemania, just like Lex Luger was a bigger star by beating Yokozuna at Summerslam via COUNT OUT.” You can make all the excuses under the sun and thensome as to why the ending turned out the way it did, but the fact of the matter is this; this whole Cody run was about “finishing the story.” That was the end goal, that was what was promised, and that’s what should have happened.

Night One proved that WWE could pull off a satisfying conclusion to a long story. Night One proved that you can have a show that ends as it should and still make it a genuinely powerful feelgood moment. Once again, this was the easiest fucking thing to book. This was the easiest story to pay off. This should have been the end of the story… and instead, WWE continues to do what they do better than anyone in the world and that’s find a way to take the simplist thing in the world and muck it all up.

Here’s the sad thing. Night 1 proved that they can tell a story right. KO/Sami winning the tag titles over the Usos was the right call, so I will give them credit on that count. On top of that, you had a tremendous undercard to support that great main event. That one night alone is a worthy Wrestlemania card that’s worth watching. Night 2 could’ve been that and while the matches on this second night weren’t as great as the first, it was still a tremendously fun show that came to a screeching halt at the very end.

I am not afraid to admit that they got me with this one. I am often cynical of every “big” WWE storyline that comes along because I’m waiting for the moment where it all falls apart because it almost always does. But this was a case where everything was going so well that I felt that maybe… just maybe… this was going to play out. I gave them the benefit of the doubt on this occasion that things would pay off in a satisfying way. I will not make that same mistake again.

You know what, kids? It’s been fun… and bummer ending in the main event aside, Wrestlemania 39 was a solid card across both nights with a lot of great stuff among the padding and few downer moments (along with the downerist moment of all), but this is where I get off the WWE train for a little bit. Hell, I may well as take a break from this modern rasslin thing a shot. I’ll put

Ramblemania 38

Well…

As has been the case for the past couple years, Wrestlemania has been split into a two-night affair and as before, I will be covering both nights under a single post. This is the format that we’re going to follow going forward if they continue like this. Not only that, but because this year’s Wrestlemania – not counting the pre-shows – was a collective EIGHT FUCKING HOURS, I’ve made the decision to watch these shows chunks at a time. And how long did it take for me to finally watch this stuff?

Let’s be real; the fact that you’ve had to wait until MAY to get my thoughts on this year’s Wrestlemania should be an indication that something was not on the level. It took me two weeks to watch EIGHT FUCKING HOURS of Wrestlemania 38. It begins… just as I said it would. Therefore, both nights are covered, as are the points where I’d pause the show to consume on another night… because Wrestlemania these days are too tedious to sit through on a single sitting, much less two.

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Ramblemania 37

“It’s Like Having Two Days Of Colonoscopies.”
Jim Ross on two nights of Wrestlemania

For some reason, I found that quote from WWE Hall Of Famer, AEW Announcer, and former Dippin’ Dots pitchman Jim Ross funny. And considering I’ve had my share of colonoscopies over the years, that certainly sounds like an apt analogy.

For the first time since this pandemic hit, WWE is running a show with a large number of fans at the Raymond James stadium in Tampa. It’s not a full audience or anything because COVID is still a prominent heel, but there’s just enough there that it almost looks like a crowded event surrounded by a bunch of cardboard cutouts. Awesome.

Anyway, both nights are covered here and will be divided as such. I saw some bits when the show aired, but was busy with other stuff so I had to wait until the replay to check it out. Much to my surprise, I was actually able to watch both shows straight with maybe a couple quick breaks at most.

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RambleMania 36

So we live in interesting times at the moment. There’s a worldwide pandemic that making thousands sick and killing a fraction of that number. Businesses are shutdown for extended periods. Live events and sports have been postponed until further notice. Everyone is being told to stay at home. And we watch as everything around us slowly becomes a police state and who knows when things will be back to normal, if at all.

This naturally affects pro wrestling, as a lot of independent promotions had been forced to cancel events, leaving many independent contractors out of work and unable to make money. However, some have tried to get in as much content as they can in the can before they’re forced to shutdown. One of them being WWE, who were supposed to hold Wrestlemania at a big stadium in Tampa, but after some back and forth, cancelled that event and decided to hold it at their Performance Center with no fans… as a pre-taped program… that’s too big for one night… or something.

The debate as to whether they should’ve cancelled or postponed the event until we can have crowds back will be debated until the end of time, but regardless, WWE did their Mania show and whether it turned out to be a complete disaster or an utter miracle, it was going to be unique if nothing else… and as such, I break my modern WWE moratorium with Wrestlemania 36… we’ll skip the one week of TV that I watched because those were pretty useless.

A word of warning: much like the Ramblemania entries of the past couple years, this is going to be a very long read, as I’ve opted to cover both nights in one single entry. Anyone who has followed the PPV Musings over the past couple years will know that I used to watch the longer WWE shows over the course of several nights and those would be noted in the posts, so this isn’t any different from what I’ve done before. However, considering the circumstances, and in an effort to try and make this as timeless as possible, this one is going to be particularly meaty as I try to include some context to the mix. There is a lot to digest here and I want to get down as much as I can.

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RAMBLEMANIA 35

So it’s a history making night at Wrestlemania… depending on who you ask.

To WWE, all its contracted talent and employees as well as the most diehard of diehard fanbase, it was the event where women took part in the closing main event spot for the first time ever. It was the event where Kofi Kingston became the first black man to hold the prestigious WWE World Heavyweight Championship (assuming you don’t count the Rock, of course.) It was the event where Kurt Angle and Dave Bautista had their final matches as professional wrestlers and WWE Superstars.

To everyone else, it was the longest fucking sports entertainment show in the history of mankind… no, not THAT Mankind.

While I had not been excited to watch Mania this year – primarily due to the booking and storytelling being somewhat lackluster in getting me excited for this show – I was able to catch the first couple hours or so live before dozing off to bed… and then a week and a half would pass before I’d get around to watching the rest of it. And even then, it took me a couple days to get through the rest of it because… well, let’s just get into it.

I’m not going to touch on the pre-show because I generally don’t watch the pre-shows. But for anyone who cares, Carmella won the women’s geek battle royal, Braun Strowman won the men’s geek battle royal, we got a new Cruiserweight champion in Tony Nese, and apparently Curt Hawkins went from “guy who lost 2 billion matches in a row” to RAW Tag-Team Champion with Zack Ryder, as they defeated previous champs The Revival for the belts. Make of that what you will because I’ve no real thoughts on the matter.

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Ramblemania 34

Hey, look at this. A timely Ramblemania! Well… almost timely.

So here’s the deal; this is a show where I had gotten little interest in and then slowly but surely, my interest piqued… mostly when a guy who hasn’t wrestled in three years is about to wrestle for the first time since the last time wrestle, but some of the other stuff were kind of intriguing and there were some interesting match-ups that I was really looking forward to.

Did it live up? Eh… let’s find out.

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Ramblemania 33

It’s been a couple weeks, but better late than never, I suppose. And if nothing else, those anticipating my fully detailed thoughts on the latest Showcase Of The Immortals(TM) won’t have to wait a year for that to happen; you can just get that here. (Or here, as well.)

So the first thing worth noting is that this was a better show than last year’s show. This should be readily apparent by the fact that I’m writing about it now rather than a year later. Still long in the tooth and I don’t think next year is going to be any better, but nonetheless, here are some thoughts on the show.

I haven’t seen the preshow, but one minor guy won a battle royal and the two champions retained their titles. And that’s all I know.

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Ramblemania 32

So… here we are again.

With Wrestlemania 33 looming just around the corner, I figure the time has come to revisit this particular edition of Wrestlemania from last year. The one that broke WWE attendance records with an alleged 105,000… some have said it’s closer to 97, but none the less, an impressive number. And so you’d figure with the largest Wrestlemania attendance ever, you’d expect it to be one extremely memorable card… and yet I barely remember a damn thing about the show. I remember it being really, really, REALLY long… but as far as the matches, the moments, the results? My mind’s a blank. And when I go back and review the match listing for the show, it’s not hard to see why this is such an unmemorable show.

Context needs to be somewhat applied here. Seth Rollins, the guy who won the WWE World title the previous year, went out with an injury. John Cena was on the inactive list around the same time and wasn’t on the card. WWE’s continued efforts in trying to make Roman Reigns a beloved hero and the next face of the company did no favors to anyone. And nothing on paper seemed anything close to being worthy of the Wrestlemania name.

Not that it really matters; the event sold out, a new WWE attendence record was set, and the company celebrated by holding an outright mediocre card. If anything, Wrestlemania 32 is living proof that the brand sells on name recognization alone rather than anything booked on the card itself. Your Wrestlemania main event could be a triple threat match between the Shockmaster, the Gobbledy Gooker, and the Brooklyn Brawler and it’ll still sell out. Anyone telling you that the card is important is lying, because it really isn’t.

But I digress. Let’s get on with the show and see how much of it is worth remembering.

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Ramblemania 31

So what follows here is a fairly rough recap based on my initial viewing of last night’s Wrestlemania… which was actually a replay because I was too busy watching the first ‘Mania from 1985. Although I’ll admit that I peered to the live show at times, for the most part, I waited until Monday morning to watch the replay. So here’re some random thoughts on the show; no ratings or reviews. Just some rambles… as per the course.

We begin with some guy singing America The Beautiful, an annual Wrestlemania tradition.

The opening montage is LL Cool J guiding us through bits and bobs of memorable moments in Wrestlemania history, which is contrary to what I believed initially, which was going to be an LL Cool J music video. It’s not a bad little bit, although points must be docked for pulling out the extremely false “Once In A Lifetime” tagline… unless he wanted to forget that Wrestlemania 29 exists, in which I don’t blame him one bit.

Daniel Bryan defeated Intercontinental champion Bad News Barrett, Dolph Ziggler, Luke Harper, Dean Ambrose, . The final segment involved Bryan and Ziggler headbutting each other ad nauseum (that’s ten concussions between them) before one big headbutt knocks Ziggler off his purch.

There’s a WWE-produced commercial for Tapout, the workout brand for douchebags…

Randy Orton defeated Seth Rollins with a rather sweet-looking RKO on Rollins as he was going for a Curbstomp. Hey, I gotta give Randy credit; he really made that move his own to an extent that you’d almost think he came up with it. This was a good match, with both guys playing their roles in the story well. Rollins held his own here, I think, and didn’t look like a complete chump. I just hope that he gets around to pulling the trigger on that contract sooner or later, because… well…

They’re airing the promo package for the HHH/Sting match, surprising me by how early this match is taking place. As much as people like to shit on the obvious skipping of Sting’s TNA tenure, I honestly don’t mind it. The dormant Sting being silent since 2001 and making his move now actually makes for a better story than Sting being stuck in Florida for a few years before making his move… I only wish this had been done sooner when Sting was.

Oh yeah, another obnoxious Wrestlemania tradition are the overly long entrances. Sting gets a rather elegant Japanese drum number that got a nice reaction from the crowd and comes out wearing a nice looking red coat. Later pondering left me questioning the decision in giving Sting such an entrance other than for the sake of upholding said obnoxious Wrestlemania tradition.

Meanwhile, continuing the other obnoxious tradition of giving McSon-In-Law an extravagant entrance that comprises dressing him in stupid costumes, HHH gets a bunch of Terminators, an Arnold cameo on the video wall, some goofy graphics, and pops up from the ground wearing the most ridiculous costume ever conceived, a cross between hi-tech Terminator armor and the usual “king” crap he adorns every year. For all their efforts in trying to make McSon-In-Law imposing and a possible threat to the Stinger, they sure like to dress him up like an utter fool (his various Gonad The Barbarian costumes being sufficient evidence)… not to mention, why would you threaten Sting with Terminators? Doesn’t McSon-In-Law know that Sting is friends with Robocop?

HHH beats Sting… why are you surprised? They had DX show up, they had the original nWo show up, all we needed was a bottle of Geritol on a pole and we’d be set to go! A handshake is shared and all is well in the world… well not really; we never got so much as a peep from Robocop tonight. I guess he had better things to do. The match was pretty bad, though… try as they might, but this was really sad to watch. This puts dreck like Heroes Of Wrestling or Iron Sheik vs. Mighty Maccabee to shame. I can’t see how ANYBODY would want a Sting/Undertaker match after sitting through this.

On the bright side, the fact that Scott Hall took a bump means he must be doing better. That’s something, I guess.

So they announced some shitty shows for the Network… including a cartoon with Seth Green, something called Swerved that doesn’t involve Vince Russo, something with Jerry Springer… and another shitty Divas Search. I don’t think this is what they had in mind when they wanted Divas to be given a chance.

There’s a concert. Nobody gives a shit.

There’s a backstage skit with Daniel Byran Danielson being congratulated by various former IC champions; Pat Patterson, Roddy Piper, Ricky Steamboat, Ric Flair (yes, Ric Flair), and Bret Hart. All break into a YES chant that is DAMN!’ed by Ron Simmons. I think this whole timing watching, I’m waiting for Simmons to show up to do this thing, but otherwise, it was a nice little bit.

AJ Lee and Paige beat the Balloon Twins in a pissbreak match… look, as much as I’d like to #GiveDivasAChance or whatever, the current crop they’ve got going on isn’t cutting it for me. Meanwhile, I go to NXT and the women there, despite some given goofy gimmicks, give their all and do it in a way that makes me want to care and want to watch them. The Divas, on the other hand, has the exact opposite effect; they make me wish they stayed on Total Divas. Sad but true… I don’t even have the satisfaction of asking, “Why do the Balloon Twins still have jobs?”

Rusev comes out in a tank, complete with Russian marching band. Cena gets historical stock footage featuring only Republican presidents (Regan and Dubya, specifically)… and the crowd boos the shit out of Cena. I guess this is a Democratic crowd? Or maybe they’re rooting for Mother Russia, I don’t know…

So John Cena defeats Rusev to win the U.S. Title… because ‘Murica! I just hope he doesn’t bring back a shitty spinner belt. As for the match, it was a typical power match between two strong guys… that featured people chanting “Let’s Go Lana” and “Rocky IV” for some reason… also there was a shoe, but nobody used the shoe.

There’s a waste of time with Nipple H and McSon-In-Law trading barbs with Dwayne and even Ronda Rousey jumped in for some reason. People seemed to like this bit for some reason; probably due to Rousey’s involvement, but since I’m NOT an MMA fan (never cared for that sort of thing, I prefer my fights to be fake and predetermined), I doubt I would’ve cared. Yeah, I skipped over this part; not because of Rousey, mind you, but because hearing Stephanie McMahon talk is the equivalent of contracting some kind of cancer. My god, that woman has a shrill voice that can kill children. And it’s gotten WORSE over the years. How people considered her to be any semblance of a good performer is beyond me, but at the very least I can rely on the one good performer to steal the show… and that’s the MUTE button. I love you, MUTE button. You’re such a great worker. If only you knew how to cut a promo, you’d be getting the push instead of the German Germs… wait, what?

Undertaker defeated Bray Wyatt… Taker looked about as good as a man his age would; a bit wobbly, but he held together. Certainly a better match here than what he had with Lesnar last year.

And then there was the main event, which started with Roman vs Brock. And for a good chunk of the match, it was a rehash of Brock vs Cena at last year’s Summerslam… the one that sucked with fifty billion suplexes. Roman smiled a few times, which gave me false hope that he would attempt some semblance of a comeback, but it was more shitty suplexes from Lesnar. At one point, Brock gets cut and Roman begins a staggering barrage of flying punches and spears before eating his fourth F5. Just as things couldn’t get any worse, Seth Rollins shows up… and cashes in his Money In The Bank, thus making the match a Triple Threat. My hopes are brought up by the announcement, since this match has gotten interesting for the first time ever, only to be dashed somewhat by the possibility that Rollins might be used as the sacrificial lamb to keep Roman (or Brock) strong… but instead, Rollins curbstomps Reigns and gets the pin… and the title.

Here’s the thing; there were two ways to go about the “advertised” main event; either Roman Reigns won it and got booed out of the continent or Brock would’ve retained and the title is in Abayence for six years. And as much as I didn’t care for Roman – no reason to – I would’ve preferred if he won it because he’s there full time… but Rollins cashing in and then winning the match was a pleasant surprise. It did something different with the MiTB gimmick that hadn’t been done before – a Wrestlemania cash-in that made the main event a Triple Threat – AND it went in a direction that you didn’t think they would go because it would’ve made sense. By ending the match this way, It kept Roman “strong”, it didn’t make Brock look “weak”, and Seth Rollins gets the title.

But perhaps more than anything, putting Seth Rollins in there was the only way to make the match any semblance of good because holy fuck, that match blew MASSIVE chunks. Yeah, I know there’s a bunch of guys out there who have such a hard-on for Lesnar because of his UFC background, but from my vantage point – coming from someone who couldn’t give two shits about the spectacle that is sensationalized human cockfighting, so the Ronda Rousey and Stephanie crap didn’t thrill me, either – he’s basically the modern-day Scott Steiner circa 2003… which isn’t a good thing by any means. I refer to his match with HHH at the 2003 Royal Rumble, where he did nothing but suplexes and the crowd shat on him for it… and he did the same shit a month later at that WWE PPV event… so at what point did this sort of shitty booking becomes “awesome?” Fifty suplexes in a match isn’t awesome, it’s fucking stupid.

So yeah, Seth Rollins cashing in and winning the title? That made me happy. That made the whole damn thing worth it. And at the end of the day, when all is said and done, Seth Rollins’ Penis did indeed main event Wrestlemania.

All in all, this was a good show. There were some dull moments, such as the main event before Seth Rollins cashed in as well as that whole Steph/Trips/Rock/Rousey wankfest (this was about as “awesome” as catching AIDS) and the sad tale that is HHH vs Sting, but there was more good than bad. The ladder match was fun, Orton vs Rollins was nice, there were a couple good moments, and Seth Rollins… well, you know. I was thoroughly entertained by this year’s Wrestlemania. And that’s something I don’t find myself saying much of in recent years.

Ramblemania 30

WRESTLEMANIA XXX
Superdome (or is it Silverdome?)
New Orleans
April 6, 2014

(I should probably point out that the following text was written before news of Warrior’s death broke out. Just covering my ass here for anything that might be construed as “negative” or “offensive”.)

I will say right off the bat that Wrestlemania 30 was a far better show than Wrestlemania 29… I’d go so far to say that this was a better show than any of the past five or six Wrestlemanias. Bold words, I’m sure, but that’s just how I feel… and I’m not just saying that because of the big story. I honestly never felt that much investment in any Wrestlemania main event in about ten years or so.

Opening segment began with Hulk Hogan welcoming everyone to the Silverdome… wait, that’s not right. I thought this was the SUPERDOME. Fortunately, here comes Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Rock to jog ol’ Huckster’s memory. This segment, while no doubt depriving valuable matchtime from potential talent, was quite inoffensive and it was somewhat amusing… and surreal to see these three WWE icons in the ring at the same time.

Daniel Bryan Danielson defeats HHH via Knee To The Face to make the WWE World Title match a Triple Threat match. I question opening with this match because now people are going to have to follow it and not be able to top it until the main event, but all in all, it was a great match that had the right ending. Probably the best match HHH has had in years and it’s all thanks to Daniel Bryan Danielson carrying his ass… Yeah, I’m sorry, but after two overpraised and mediocre matches with Undertaker and a sleep-inducing one with Brock Lesnar, good ol’ McSon-In-Law needed a GOOD match to sate his ego and he got one courtesy of Daniel Bryan Danielson. But in all seriousness, both guys really busted their ass out and I must give HHH some sliver of credit, for he could have easily kicked out of that Knee To The Face after Daniel Bryan Danielson kicked out of the pedigree and he DIDN’T. He went down and took it like a man. For once, he kept the shovel at home. By far, the best match of the show and the prelude to the true main event of the night.

The Shield defeated the New Age Outlaws in a glorified squash. It is what it is, so nothing to complain about. At least it was short and we didn’t have to suffer through

Cesaro won the 30-man Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal to win the giant Andre The Giant trophy and he did it by slamming the Big Show out of the ring, which people have treated as a big deal, but then you take a step back and think “Yeah, but it’s just the big show” Unfortunately, the trophy didn’t get trashed as per battle royal trophy traditions, but that’s okay. This was an example of a match that anyone could win and I’m sort of glad that Cesaro won because this is a guy who I honestly believe could be kind of a big deal.

John Cena defeated Bray Wyatt in an okay match with an otherwise shit ending. Way to put over the new talent, WWE. Despite that, it wasn’t that bad of a match; told a good story, had some solid action, and it wasn’t boring. Bray Wyatt busted his ass here and Cena did his usual share, complete with completely underwhelming “overcome the odds” trademark that ruined any chances of this being a memorable match. Bad for business, hashbrown and all that. All in all, not too bad.

Gotta admit… two hours in and it’s already been better than the past five or six Wrestlemanias. No time wasted (save for one or two brief segments and commercials for pizza rolls) and what matches were presented thus far were very entertaining and well done. So far, so good… I have a feeling that this isn’t going to last.

The Hall of Famers are introduced… and despite blaring music, Warrior does not come out and run around like the maniac he used to be in his younger years. Probably a good thing because if he did, HHH might ask Warrior for his win back.

Undertaker’s entrances are elaborate and somewhat impressive at first… but for fuck’s sake, motherfucker could move a little fucking faster. The time it takes for him to make his way to the ring, you could have easily fit a match where Zack Ryder gets squashed by Mr. T’s mother. I miss the Attitude era when Undertaker entrances were less elaborate and took less time to be over and done with… Also, I like that when they’re showing off the caskets of past Undertaker victims, they purposely cut away from the casket of CM Punk. That seems pretty petty.

Oh and… Brock Lesnar defeats the Undertaker after three F5s, bringing the streak to an end at 21-1 and my only reaction is meh. I suppose in the grand scheme of things, I’d probably treat it like a bigger deal if the match hadn’t been a total stinkin’ bore and if the build-up prior to the match made it seem like this would be a tossaway match with a very predictable ending and somewhere along the way, they decided to end the streak like that because anything can happen…

Look, it’s difficult to make people care about an Undertaker match at Wrestlemania when the end result is a given and it really takes somewhat who is that talented and that skilled to make a match interesting, let alone entertaining. It takes a substantial amount of effort on the part of both men to pull off a match that might have a predictable outcome, but there’s a tiny bit of doubt that it could go the other way. You almost sort of got that with the two matches with Shawn Michaels and you almost kinda sort got that with HHH-Taker at Mania 27. But the match with Brock Lesnar… that was a BORING, FUCKING TERRIBLE match that you knew it was gonna go one way, that there was no fucking way that Brock was gonna win this one… especially when you factor in the way he was made to look like a chump in prior weeks and also during the match…

So this was a match that had all the makings of a pedestrain Undertaker outing that was going to end with the usual ending… and whether they wanted to fuck with the audience or just do a shock ending for the sake of shock endings or maybe they really thought that Brock Lesnar was the right guy to end the streak because fuck you, that’s why… And thus out of nowhere it ended… and I mean, out of nowhere. Wwhen Brock made the pinfall win, I actually did a couple replays to see if I missed something because I wasn’t really paying attention – the match was just putting me to sleep and I almost was tempted to do another one of those videos where I point at the match with my camera and then I would accuse the match of putting my dog to sleep – but I noticed that Taker’s arm sort of went up and maybe the bell rung prematurely… and it took me a while before it registered in my mind that, yeah, that was the pinfall. The streak is over. And most people were shocked. Some were in disbelief. Paul Heyman is mumbling Omigod. Brock Lesnar has this blank expression on his face. And I was just… “Huh? What? That’s it? That’s how you’re ending the streak? Like that? Are you fucking kidding me?”

And before it comes up, I am well aware of the bit going around where ‘Taker wanted Lesnar to end the streak back a couple years back and that’s probably why we got what we got. And I’m not going to shit over that. If he picked Lesnar to end it, then that’s fine. I’ve no issue with that. Do I think someone else should’ve been the one? Sure, but that doesn’t matter. If he wanted Lesnar to end it, then cool. Whatever. My issue isn’t with that, my issue is with everything else. The build-up to the match was shit, the match was boring, the streak ending was sudden and it just feels empty because up until it happened, nobody gave a flying fuck. And I suppose the post-match silence was appropriate to convey the uncoveyable… but it felt like it was tossed in there for the sake of being shocking, because fuck you, that’s why, I suppose.

There’s been debate – and no doubt, there’s going to be debate – over whether the Streak should end or not. I’m of the opinion that it should – because when the time comes to walk off into the sunset, you do business the way it’s supposed to be done (on your back) and I’d like to think Undertaker is something of an old-school guy who believed in doing business the right way. And when the moment came that the Streak came to an end, it should feel like a big deal. It should feel like the end of an era. It should feel like something monumental because you only get one shot at it. And when the time arrived and Brock Lesnar made that pinfall that came out of nowhere, I just didn’t care. I was like “Oh thank fuck that match was over with… Wait, Undertaker lost?” It was just an afterthought because before you had the big moment, you had one of the most dull and slothing matches ever conceived. It just stunk. And now that it’s over… I don’t know. I’m going about this too much, aren’t I?

Highlight of the post-match post-mortem was someone (Lawler?) wondering aloud what’s going through the mind of the Undertaker and was soon followed by a random member of the WWE Universe shouting “YOU SUCK!” Funniest thing.

So it’s over. ‘Taker is most likely done… unless he gets that Sting match next year… meh.

AJ Lee defeated every single Diva in a single match to retain the Divas championship. I should note, for the sake of context if you’re reading this months down the line, that this isn’t a traditional battle royal, but rather a straight-up Divas match featuring twenty or so interchangeable Divas where the winner is determined via pinfall or submission. Yeah, it’s the usual pissbreak match, but the concept itself is just stupid. Are we that desperate to find these women something to do that we have toss this shit together? If it were a battle royal to determine a contender for a title match later on, that’d be fine. Hell, take a page out of TNA’s handbook and rip off their Gauntlet For The Gold concept (battle royal rules until two remain, then it’s a straight match). But this kind of stupid booking, it seems as though that WWE is all but admitting that anything involving the Divas is a complete waste of time and that nobody cares. That’s the impression I got, anyway.

Here’s another amusing segment; Hulk Hogan and Mr. T bury the hatchet with Rowdy Roddy Piper and a mustachioed Paul Orndorff… Piper, obviously, had some misgivings about burying said hatchet with Mr. T, no doubt still irked about that boxing match he had with him at Wrestlemania 2.

Finally, for your main event, Daniel Bryan Danielson defeated Randy Orton and Batista via submission to win the WWE World Heavyweight Championship and… *slow clap* Say what you will about the match and how it’ll hold up, but in terms of the story told, the right guy went over. The story told was a classic one; stacking the odds against the underdog hero and watching him overcome those odds to claim victory and subsequently the championship. It was a match that, for once, pushed any semblance of cynical thoughts and just took me on a ride to a satisfying ending. And my god, what a ride it was. Told a great story, had some decent action, had some moments of Bootista fumbling a bit, and it was a great little main event with the right guy winning and a satisfying conclusion to eight months worth of disappointments and doubts. Daniel Bryan Danielson, after having to suffer getting pushed off the main card to make room for Dwayne’s time wasting promos as well as an 18-second World Title squash to Sheamus, finally got his Wrestlemania moment. And though the subsquent celebration might eerily remind few folks of another celebration ten Wrestlemanias that has since been etched from history, I am not quite weery of making that connection just yet. Daniel bryan Danielson, if nothing else, seems like a much more sensible/stable man than the other fellow. Now if only he’ll start to shave.

Overall, this was a FAR better Wrestlemania than past iterations of the event, bookended by two awesome matches that told a great story with a happy ending. And everything in between, barring a couple bits and bobs, was pretty solid stuff too. Certainly, if nothing else, this will be memorable for Daniel Bryan Danielson’s superb performance in two matches and subsequent affirmation as a top talent as well as the underwhelming end of a winning streak that had been the driving force of a WWE legend’s career. One way or another, this is a great showcase of the immortals and a great ascension of an individual who now has the ball in his court… let’s see where he goes with it.