Last year, I wrote a fake interview with Superman, who turned out to be a different take from the usual Superman take. No one bit on it and for good reason… well, here we are again with another fictional conversation of sorts… and today’s guest would say that his kind never do these sorts of things… but then again, he’ll say that about a lot of things that he wouldn’t want to do.
There are good Klingons and there are bad Klingons. Good Klingons have high regard for honor. Bad Klingons don’t. Good Klingons are fighters who are willing to die. Bad Klingons are cowards and don’t want to risk their lives for common fights.
And then there’s Worf.
Worf can’t be classified as either a good Klingon or a bad Klingon. In fact, he can’t even be considered the Starfleet Klingon because then you’d have to neglect B’Elanna Torres of Voyager (never mind the fact she’s only half Klingon – it still counts!) So how does one describe Worf?
Well, Worf is a pretty unexcited fellow. He claims Klingons do not laugh, and soon he discovered that Klingons not only laugh, but they go targ-hunting, eat worms, and kill people purely for entertainment sakes. Worf eventually became an ambassador, but that job didn’t last long and was soon an officer with a small role in Nemesis. Worf, now on leave after killing more imaginary cowboys in the holodeck, has decided to grace his presence and grant me some (fake) interview time.
The results are as follows… and was hidden from view for years for a very good reason, I’m afraid…
Dave: I’m happy to be doing this with you, Worf. And I appreciate you taking the time to talk with us.
Worf: So we meet at last.
Dave: Er, yes. Anyway, I want to clear something up. When we last saw you on Deep Space Nine, you accepted a position to be ambassador. Then years later, we see you back to your old Starfleet shtick. Could you explain what happened?
Worf: I would be happy to. I had accepted a position to be Federation ambassador to Q’onos at the urging of my brother, Chancellor Martok. After a couple years of that job doing stupid treaty signings with insignificant species who are still using pea-shooters as weapons of mass destruction, I resigned and returned to Starfleet.
Dave: Sounds like you were bored.
Worf: Yes, although for a brief period, Chancellor Martok and myself were involved in a bitter conflict for control of the Klingon Empire.
Dave: The details of which are cleverly retold in J.G. Hertzler’s Left Hand of Destiny duology novels. Very good read by the way.
Worf: Yes. I am not quite fond of reading, but these books are very good. I rarely endorse a Klingon product because they do not capture the true essence of a Klingon.
Dave: Really, not even the Klingon Dictionary?
Worf: If people want to truly experience Klingon, they would have to move out of their comfortable homes and live in rough terrain.
Dave: How did Martok take your recent ‘career change’ so to speak?
Worf: He only wished he could do the same, except for that to happen, someone would have to kill him.
Dave: True.
Worf: Klingons do not always feel like dying. Only when it is a good day to die.
Dave: When is it a good day to die, in your opinion?
Worf: A Monday. Best day to die. In battle, of course.
Dave: Oh yeah, of course. What is it about prune juice that makes you believe it is a warrior’s drink?
Worf: It is one of the two Terran drinks I actually enjoy. It tastes a bit like blood wine.
Dave: Really? What’s the other drink?
Worf: Vanilla Coke.
Dave: I see.
Worf: But not the p’tah that is advertised on TV. I am talking real WHITE Vanilla Coke.
Dave: White coke, huh? You Klingons never do anything small, do you?
[Worf looks on bewildered]
Dave: Fine. Next question. What is it about Chief O’Brien that you hate about him?
Worf: [looking both ways] This is OFF the record, is it not?
Dave: Relax, Worf. This is fiction.
Worf: Very well. Chief O’Brien annoys the Gre’Thor out of me. Whenever he wants to talk about my personal problems, he brings blood wine and then after a few bottles we would talk. I think he put truth serum in that blood wine. It does not have a decent taste.
Dave: Was it a good vintage, at least?
Worf: 1820 A.D. in Earth years. The best vintage is always the old stuff.
Dave: I see…
Worf: It tastes somewhat like prune juice. But when you mix a foreign content with blood wine, it loses the good taste. That is why you do not put in olives or anything of that nature.
Dave: Of course not.
Worf: Did you know that Commander Data annoyed me constantly back on the Enterprise?
Dave: I did not know that.
Worf: There was one time when he replaced all my bottles of blood wine and prune juice with cat piss. I am not joking, ACTUAL CAT PISS inhabited my rare collection of alcohol.
Dave: That must be devastating.
Worf: It is. And this other time, Commander Data had also messed around with my cowboy program so that they all looked like Captain Picard… and the damsels would look like that captain from Voyager.
Dave: Janeway?
Worf: Whatever…
Dave: Now that he’s dead…
Worf: But he is not dead.
Dave: He’s not?
Worf: No. It turned out the thing that blew up the Scimitar was actually a stunt android.
Dave: A stunt android, you say?
Worf: Yes, a clever, if dishonorable, prank.
Dave: Really.
Worf: While we were all mourning the dummy, the real Data was actually on some robot pleasure planet, “getting laid” for lack of a better term.
Dave: [surprised] Really?
Worf: Yes… it annoys the Gre’Thor out of me.
Dave: Now, Worf. If you’re going to swear, please swear in English. Not all of us speak Klingon.
Worf: Sorry.
Dave: I’m just giving you a heads up, buddy. Anyway, what’s your current line of work?
Worf: I have resigned from Starfleet and have recently opened a bat’leth shop. It has been doing really well. I may even teach some classes even.
Dave: You’re a pretty skilled fighter. I’ve seen you fight dozens of times.
Worf: Thank you.
Dave: Do you play games?
Worf: Klingons do not play games.
Dave: Sure they do.
Worf: They do not.
Dave: Come on, do you really expect me to believe that?
Worf: Yes I do. We do not play games.
Dave: I was talking with Martok the other day and he told me Klingons like to play board games such as Risk or Battleship.
Worf: I would very much like to see that discussion.
Dave: Sure, let me get it. [digs through his papers until he finds a copy of Martok: The Unauthorized Biography – flips through pages]. There, you see? Page 391 – line 29. It specifically states that Klingons play various games. Martok himself claims to be the reigning Monopoly champion.
Worf: Let me see that!
[Worf snatches the book and reads said line. His face goes sour.]
Worf: That smooth-headed son of a-
Dave: Come on. Enough with the potty mouth.
Worf: What is a potty mouth?
Dave: Seriously. Do you play games?
Worf: Well… no. But I do have an extensive collection of Nintendo Power magazines, especially the one with me in it.
Dave: Yeah, I always meant to ask you… you’re just Worf, aren’t you?
Worf: Yes. Just Worf.
Dave: So what’s with the “CJ Worf” name in one of those issues?
Worf: I do not know. But then again, it IS Nintendo. They make profit out of an obese honorless gagh who eats mushrooms and jumps on poor defenseless turtles.
Dave: Okay, I heard you collect cowboy hats.
Worf: Yes. I have a rather extensive collection.
Dave: You play cowboy games?
Worf: I do not treat them as a game. Especially after the time where Data takes over the holodeck and everyone looked like Data. That was a poor excuse for an adventure.
Dave: Indeed.
Worf: Nothing compares to the time Jadzia auctioned off all my rare hats to Klingons. I had to call up some favors to get them all back.
Dave: Klingons use eBay?!
Worf: Klingons do not use eBay! They use eKlingonBay.
Dave stares blanking before shaking head.
Dave: Wow, that’s great. Looks like we’re out of time, Worf. Anything you want to add before we end this fictional interview.
Worf: Actually, I do have a question to ask if you could.
Dave: Shoot.
Worf: What is an Enterprise NX-01?
Dave: You mean… you’ve never heard of it?
Worf: No.
Dave: Nothing. It’s nothing. Someone’s stupid idea.
Worf: Oh. I see.
Dave: Thanks for talking, Worf. Hope to do it again sometime.
Worf: It has been a stimulating experience.
Dave: Sure it was…
Worf: Er… I mean it was a very stimulating experience.
Dave: Right…
Worf walks away…
Dave: Man, I knew I should have invited Gowron instead.
THE END
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