Written Reviews – Page 20

COMIC REVIEW – Green Lantern: Rebirth #4 (of 6)

When I first heard about this miniseries and its premise, my first question was simply “Why?” I mean, is there a critical necessity to restore the pre-Rayner status quo, bringing everyone back to life and continue on as if nothing has ever happened? I never really cared for the Hal Jordan character, simply because he never seemed all that interesting a character until he went “whacko”. Of course, there are those who disagree with me… so here’s the mini that brings him back to the role he’s familiar with and returns everything back to the way things were.

Questionable intentions aside, the one thing that isn’t questionable is the fact that the Rebirth miniseries has been a fairly entertaining and pretty good read thus far and really, isn’t that the only thing that matters in the long run? Although this fourth issue does advance the story a little further somewhat, it wasn’t as fulfilling as the previous issue, which had some nifty plotpoints such as the reasoning behind the old GL rings’ yellow impurity and why Rayner’s ring doesn’t have it. But who’s complaining?

The bit where Green Arrow strains himself to shoot an arrow with the power ring was a nice touch, going to show how much of a toll it takes to use the ring to create things as simplistic as a mere arrow and that it’s not easy to bear it. Of course, no one’s ever had a problem with this sort of thing before, but those were “special” cases for lack of a better excuse. Visually, the art’s consistently good as the three issues before this one. The choice of coloring and darker shades goes well with the book and really emphasizes the overall tone of the series.

Other than that, there’s not much else to say that you’ve probably haven’t heard elsewhere. Simply put, Rebirth, so far, is good stuff, regardless of your preferred ringbearer. Of course, if you’re patient, you’ll probably wait for the inevitable TPB that’ll come out in a few scant months, but why bother? Just read it now.

DVD Review – Destroy All Monsters (50th Anniversary Release)

I’ll sum up this release in a single sentence; Destroy All Monsters is a fun movie, but the DVD release is pure trash.

Touted as a 50th Anniversary special edition, this is a two-disc set; one disc contains the movie, while the other disc is a CD containing the entire score of the movie by Akira Ifujkube. And for what it’s worth, I like the soundtrack. Even if the tracks are mostly variations of the same themes over and over.

The DVD, on the other hand, is lazily put together. Basically, someone took the movie, digitized it, slapped it onto a disc, and punched out. Never mind the lack of subtitles, alternate audio tracks, or even a menu for navigation; there are NO CHAPTERS on this disc. This means that if you want to skip to a later portion of the film, you’re going to have to fast-forward that sucker like you would an old VHS tape.

The movie itself is great fun; the ninth film in the Godzilla film franchise brings about ELEVEN monsters wrecking havoc all over the world and while the action is limited, it’s never boring. There’s also a basic tale with the storytelling and such. Maybe someday I’ll touch on the movie in greater detail, but considering how rarely I get to watch a Godzilla film from this era, I had a blast with this old film, even if the video quality isn’t the greatest.

It’s just unfortunate that there wasn’t enough care put into the surrounding package to make it special or even manageable. A milestone of this ilk for a fondly remembered movie deserves better treatment than what it ultimately got.

But I dig the CD.

Ready To Rumble – The Absolute Worst Movie In Human History

Ready To Rumble is, without question, the worst movie in human history.

Released in 2000, it stars David Arquette and Scott Caan as two wrestling fans who set out on an adventure of sorts after their favorite wrestler was screwed out of the title and they’re gonna get him back on top. The favorite wrestler in question is a character named Jimmy King, played by Oliver Platt. The title that Jimmy was screwed out of was the WCW World title.

Once upon a time, there was a wrestling company called World Championship Wrestling. And for a couple years, they were the hottest thing in the wrestling world until the WWF got its shit together and kicked their asses. Somewhere along the way, WCW decided that they needed a movie to boost their popularity even further and THIS was the end result. To make matters worse, this was released during a time when WCW was producing some of the worst wrestling programming ever conceived and, in case some of you are wondering if this movie did anything to help WCW’s image, the movie failed to make bank at the box office, it was critically panned, and a year later, WCW would be shut down and its assets purchased by WWF.

The sad thing is that at its core, Ready To Rumble’s plot isn’t all that bad. Top wrestler in a company is screwed and exiled from the top and with the help of his two biggest fans, he eventually regains the confidence and his prestige, while being a bit more humble along the way. In the hands of competent filmmakers, this could have been the basis for a nice, feelgood comedy of sorts. Alas, in the case of Ready To Rumble, we don’t have competent filmmakers at the helm… but that’s okay. The one thing that this had in common with WCW was the lack of competent acumen present in producing a quality product.

Ready To Rumble fails on multiple levels. It fails as a comedy movie; it’s all low-brow, scat-based humor. Some of the slapstick bits are somewhat embarrassing. They somehow got a big time actor like Martin Landau to play an old-time wrestler and made him look like a loon. None of the actors in this movie come across as particularly good and a lot of that is less due to their performances (which aren’t great, but they tried to make the most of this garbage) and more due to the pisspoor writing. None of the jokes are funny. None of the action bits are particularly good. And then we get to the main bits of the movie, which is the wrestling bits.

And that brings up another point; Ready To Rumble fails as a wrestling movie. I understand that wrestling is largely seen as low brow entertainment, but considering that this featured WCW wrestlers and talent and Time Warner still owned WCW, you’d think that they would try to make a movie that depicted wrestling in a semi-respectable manner… or at the very least, didn’t make WCW look like the biggest shithole in the world. Wasn’t the point of this thing to try and get people interested in WCW? How did that work out?

Oh wait, it didn’t.

The fact of the matter is that Ready To Rumble treats wrestling like a joke. It depicts wrestling fans as being a bunch of retards who have no life whatsoever. It is a movie about wrestling that is so embarrassed to be a movie about wrestling that it doesn’t try to disguise that fact and does whatever it does to make wrestling seem like a joke. And hey, I understand that there are those who share that mindset. Wrestling is seen as low-brow entertainment and given the kind of shit that WWE puts on television these days, it’s hard to argue that point.

Here’s the thing, though; once upon a time, WWE did put out a movie; a little thing you may have heard of called No Holds Barred. And yes, it’s largely a live-action cartoon – it’s a Hulk Hogan movie, for fuck’s sake. Of course, it’s a cartoon… BUT when it comes to the wrestling aspect of it, at no point is it treated as a joke. Hogan plays the World Champion and a rival network wants Hogan to jump ship, so they start their own show, find their own tough guy, and sends challenges to Hogan to fight their guy Zeus. And the climax is a wrestling match where lots of stuff happen that probably shouldn’t, but within the context of the movie and the story that they’re telling, it works.

Now I’m not going to tell you that No Holds Barred is a GOOD movie – again, it’s a Hulk Hogan starring vehicle – but it does a far better job of treating the wrestling bits as straight as possible within the context of the story they’re telling. Ready To Rumble, on the other hand? Wrestling is a joke, everyone involved in the business is a joke, everyone who enjoys this stuff is a joke, and this whole thing becomes a self-fulfilling waste of time. Now does this film offend me as a wrestling fan? No, but it does offend me as a moviegoer. If you’re making a movie about this thing and you’re not going to take it seriously, why should I? The wrestling aspect is buried in shit and everything around that central piece of business – the “funny” bits – fails even harder.

The fact that WCW had a hand in this movie’s production and would allow their brand and wrestlers to be treated like total goofs while hoping that this would raise awareness in their own product… dude, who’s gonna watch this and think “This WCW looks stupid, but I WANT MORE?!” Ironically, the depiction of WCW in the movie isn’t that far removed from the product that was being presented on WCW television at the time of release.

But even beyond that, Ready To Rumble is just trash all around. You have talented actors who have done good stuff elsewhere reduced to scat jokes and juvenile humor that even the juveniles would consider too juvenile. I’ve seen David Arquette do good stuff elsewhere (Scream, that movie with the dog, whatever those Collect commercials were), Oliver Platt’s been in some good stuff, and again… they somehow dragged MARTIN LANDAU into this piece of shit. These are talented actors who have done good work and they are WASTED in this piece of shit.

I’m no fan of Hulk Hogan. At no point will I ever watch a Hulk Hogan movie and call it a good film. A good Hulk Hogan movie simply does not exist in this world. Even so, I would rather watch every single Hulk Hogan movie under the sun ten times over than suffering through another sitting of Ready To Rumble, which I have no problems in declaring the absolute worst movie ever made in human history. And I don’t need to have seen every movie ever made in human history to make that determination because I REFUSE TO BELIEVE that there is a movie out there that is worse than this.

This movie is trash and deserves to die.

COMIC REVIEW – Marvel Zombies #2 (2005)

(2025 Update: I’m using the banner from the Marvel Zombies series review that was written later down the road for the sake of convenience.)

“It started with a flash in the sky and a ripple in the clouds. The hunger is what brought it here – and feed it did, until the Marvel Heroes were no more. They were replaced with soulless monsters, driven only with an insatiable hunger for human flesh. This is no world of Marvel Heroes. This is the world of Marvel Zombies!”

And with that begins a miniseries that spun off from a Ultimate Fantastic Four storyline called Crossover, which teased the crossover between the Ultimate universe and the Marvel universe but gave us a world of zombies instead. One has to wonder why no such Earth existed in DC’s own Multiverse (before the whole Crisis thing came about… uh, forget it), but after one whiff of this, it’s pretty easy to see why.

In this world of Marvel Zombies, the zombified heroes have pretty much ate up most (if not all) of the human population, leaving behind only the super-powered zombies who either search for food or contemplate their means. Unlike the traditional idiot zombies of the past who scream “braaaaaaaaains”, these zombies maintain their intelligence, though their virtues have been replaced with a hunger for flesh.

Unfortunately, this potentially exciting set of consequences and series of events is marred by a fairly slow pace. The first issue opened up with a living Magneto holding his own against the zombies in a fairly good fight before becoming food, but from there, the series slows to a crawl as heroes contemplate how to cure or kill themselves, or where to find more food. Nothing particularly exciting, but the Silver Surfer showing up and the zombies about to go after would have led to a decent fight to open up the next issue. Instead, we get more of the same inactivity that plagued the second half of the first issue. Somewhere, this seems more than fine to some people, but this isn’t doing much for me. Yeah, the subtle lightness added (if you want to call it that) helps a bit, but not by much.

The book is visually adequate; the choice of dark tones and colors, as well as the grotesque appearances of the undead heroes really suit the subject matter at; much more so than those depicted in UFF. The amount of gore presented in this issue is plentiful despite the T+ rating the book’s been slapped with. You’d often wonder how much of this stuff got published, but really, stuff like this has happened before. Some people might be turned off by it, but considering I sat through the first two issues without so much a squeal, I’m sure there are those who find the gore tolerable or even hilarious.

Marvel Zombies, as a whole, is a mixed bag. On the one hand, it’s differs from all the other zombie-centric stuff in that the undead aren’t mindless, stupid creatures craving brains and so it offers something different. On the other hand, the undead are just intelligent, super-powered creatures craving brains and yet doesn’t make the storyline any different enough from your typical zombie storyline. If you’re a fan of horror stories or zombie stories in particular, then this is a good addition to your collection. If the Ultimate Fantastic Four: Crossover storyarc had somehow piqued your interest enough to see where the zombie angle goes from there, you can’t really go wrong. But for anyone else looking for something different or for an engaging storyline, you won’t find it here.

COMIC REVIEW – Avengers #503 (Disassembled – Part 4)

This is it. The final chapter of Avengers Disassembled. The end of an era in the storied saga of the Avengers… or at least, the end of this volume. We still have Avengers Finale to close the chapter proper, but this is where we end our Avengers journey and… well… for what it’s worth, the ending hits all the right notes.

The revelation of Wanda as the cause of all this mayhem, the debate on whether she would actually be capable of such a thing, and that one bit of exposition – paired up with a wonderful montage of various past comic book covers and panels depicting Wanda’s darker side over the years – fits in so perfectly that it makes absolute sense. And then when the Avengers confront Wanda and we get another battle… which ends as it does and features a cameo appearance that makes sense within the context of this particular story, but not so much in the wider universe considering the stuff happening in the New X-Men book… but whatever, I don’t care. The story is over. It ended on what I feel is a strong note. There’s a finale that serves more as an epilogue to this current version of the Avengers so that we can make way for the new version of the Avengers, which I’m actually looking forward to.

Congratulations, Bendis. You actually made me care about the Avengers for the first time… ever. Here’s a cookie.

(2025 Update: It just occurred to me that, in redoing banners for this thing, I misspelled Bendis’ name in all four banners… I’d go back and change it, but I’m far too lazy.)

COMIC REVIEW – Avengers #502 (Disassembled – Part 3)

I’ve been a bit late on these reviews as of late, so before posting my thoughts on the final issue of this arc, we should probably cover Part 3.

In our previous issue, a bunch of reserve Avengers show in time for a massive alien spaceship to start dropping alien troops to fight off every Avengers. The whole issue is nothing but one big action setpiece with some highlights here and there. There’s even room for a couple Spider-Man quips here and there.

But then the big heroic sacrifice happens and while I roll my eyes at the tease of another major character death – these things almost NEVER last long with VERY few exceptions – the way this death is treated is done rather well. We know it’s coming, we know it’s teased, and unlike some of the other deaths featured in this arc so far, this death feels dignified and worthwhile… whether it sticks is another story.

And then there’s the Dr. Strange cameo that teases the potential identity of who is truly behind all this gruesome demise. As soon as as there was mention of the [REDACTED] being abused and the reaction to that statement followed… well, I’d be lying if I said that I was surprised because whoever it is has had turns in the dark side in the past, but it kinda, sorta makes sense and I’m amazed that they’re actually going in this direction.

I was a bit iffy on Disassembled at first, but now, headed towards its final issue, I’m actually looking forward to seeing how it ends.

COMIC REVIEW – Avengers #501 (Disassembled – Part 2)

In our last issue of Avengers… the mansion blew up, Iron Man was in a supposed drunken state, and a whole bunch of Avengers died. In this issue… we try to make sense of what’s been going on, but it’s just the calm before the next big storm to hit next issue, which promises another Avenger death. Oh goodie.

Once we get past the initial She-Hulk battle, things start to pick up as the team begin to question whether all of this stuff happening is just a coincidence or part of a larger part to strike at their lowest point. The team discussing what’s going on while licking their wounds is the thing that keeps me interested in this whole thing. And once you get to the final spread of all the reserve Avengers to provide assistance, it’s just setting the stage for the show’s grand finale.

Once again, David Finch provides some truly superb art and the final spread is a wonderful piece of business. After the first part’s endless barrage of offing Avengers, Part 2 is a nice piece of calm. Sadly, it’s probably not going to last, is it?

COMIC REVIEW – Marvel Knights: Spider-Man #5

Well, this has been an interesting ride.

Since the start of Spider-Man’s Marvel Knights run, we’ve seen Ben Parker’s tombstone defiled, Aunt May kidnapped, Spidey get beat up, Spidey get beat up some more, and a guy who knows that Spidey is really Peter Parker, which makes one of a select few who has managed to acquire this information through some unknown means… or maybe he saw Spider-Man 2 too. Oh yeah, ol’ webhead was lying in a hospital bed without his mask and some jabronie manages to take a quick picture of our unconscious hero and sell it to good ol’ Jonah Jameson, the Daily Bugle editor.

Riveting stuff, isn’t it?

So now, we open up Issue 5 (the first chapter of the series’ second story-arc) with good ol’ Parker waking up and finding out that his face is plastered on the front page of the Daily Bugle, with good ol’ Jonah issuing a reward to anyone who can identify the battered face despite it being half covered in the mask. Of course, no one bothered to explain why said picture wasn’t taken when he didn’t have the mask on, but that’s another story in itself.

(Now, see, if Jonah were to have issued that bounty in the Spider-Man 2 movie, chances are a train full of people would have been rich by now, but that’s besides the point.)

So, for the first part of this arc featuring Venom as the main bad guy (not again), it’s seemingly a rehash of a classic plot device, but so was the kidnapping of Aunt May… and stories with no basis other than Spider-Man getting a big time @$$-kicking from the villain of the month is also nothing new. But I’m not complaining, because I’m actually enjoying this run. It seems a little darker than the other Spider-man titles, although not by much. The accompanying art is amazing; great detail, great choice of colors and tones, and panel layout is alright too. It doesn’t look as cartoony as the other Spider books and that’s probably a good thing considering the feel of this book, which is grimmer than the others. On the other hand, it is somewhat humorless, which is something that has been a key factor of Spider-Man. Maybe Spidey’s wit got transplanted into Superman for Action Comics.

In any case, Spider-Man’s venture into the Marvel Knights brand is a good contrast to the Amazing (which reveals Gwen Stacy was pregnant – sorry if I spoiled it for you) and the Spectacular (which has Spidey turning into a mutant spider – and also features a Klingon wedding). This issue is no exception. While it’s too early to tell if the second arc is any good, if it’s as good as the first, then it’s worth sticking around for the rest of the ride.

COMIC REVIEW – Avengers #500 (Disassembled – Part 1)

Avengers hit its 500th issue – or rather, it’s the 85th issue of the third volume, but we’re reverting to the old numbering because all of a sudden we care about our issue numbers until we eventually don’t – so how do we celebrate this milestone? How about we blow up Avengers Mansion and kill off a couple staple characters for good measure?

The first of four issues comprising the Avengers Dissambled storyarc that is supposed to bring the current Avengers run to a close in order to make way for a new Avengers series by BENDIS’ own hand. Unfortunately, the story starts off in such gruesome fashion that it seems like an excuse for Bendis to kill off a few name characters just to tickle his fancy… and the sad thing is that it isn’t going to end here because this is less about putting together a compelling Avengers story that might please older fans and possibly new fans to jump in… and more about shock value. Kill the Ant Man. Have She-Hulk go berserk and rip Vision apart! Why don’t we kill Cap off while we’re at it?

I’ll admit that I liked some of Bendis’ stuff; his Daredevil run was solid and ballsy, his work on Ultimate Spider-Man is pretty top-notch, and on occasion, he’s managed some stroke of brilliance in the oddball title or two. David Finch does some great artwork that manages to compliment the chaos depicted in the written word, with a talent to make abject horroric scenes seem even more so with some fine detail.

A rather underwhelming start to the final chapter of this Avengers era to make way for the new one, I’m holding out hope that things will look up… unfortunately, I have a feeling that it’s a false hope at best.

MOVIE REVIEW – Catwoman (2004)

Might as well get it off my chest. Unfortunately, against my better judgment, I had seen Catwoman. When someone joked about it being the next great horror story, he was half-right. It was horrifying, but not great.

Even years after the movie’s release, I still can’t buy Halle Berry in the Catwoman role. I have a hard time believing that she was the absolute best woman for the job when there were probably tons of more qualified actresses (regardless of ethnicity) that could have fit the role just fine. I think the decision to cast Berry has more to do with her popularity at the time than anything else. And you know what? She’s a fine actress in her own right – won Oscars for a reason – but this Catwoman role is beneath her. And the hapless script gives her little to do to make the character remotely likable.

So they changed the back story of the character; instead of thief Selina Kyle, we get graphic artist Patience Phillips. You know what? I’m cool with that. It doesn’t really bother me. But while the original Catwoman character is supposed to be somewhat of an anti-hero and has somewhat of an interesting history and character, this Catwoman is more of a prostitute than anything else, the flimsy costume (ugh) contributing to that image more than anything else. Nothing she does in this movie gives me a reason to care about her plight because she comes off as really unlikable. In fact, none of the characters seem interesting. They’re just there.

As for the rest of the movie… it’s terrible. The acting is below par, the visuals are dark and murky, and the action is pretty underwhelming. The plot is horrible girl power cliché garbage involving toxic cosmetics and… I’m entirely convinced that there is no script despite writers being credited. I can only assume they wrote this on a couple napkins and someone thought this was a good idea to turn into a movie.

Overall, Catwoman is one of those movies best left in the gutter. There’s nothing remotely redeeming about this film; it’s just terrible, terrible stuff. So terrible that it will kill your cat and strip it of its remaining lives at the same time. Avoid this movie at all costs.