Category: Wrestling Television Musings

IMPACT (Apr. 5th, 2010) – This Show Fucking Sucked

Orlando Jordan shows up and pours milk all over himself… smell the ratings, I guess… or just find a good gay porno if that’s your thing because that’ll get the job done much better.

You know, I wrote a quick blurb up on the blog and started it with “I’ve got nothing.” I wish I had nothing. I wish I hadn’t watched this show, which I didn’t plan on doing because Impact had been sucking the proverbial meat missile in grand fashion. Unfortunately, our ol’ buddies at The Score pre-empted RAW so they could show some college basketball games. That meant I got to contribute to their 0.7 rating for the week, which I’d imagine would make everyone over at TNA happy that they’re not getting the same shitty Thursday numbers… you know, the 1.x ones that meant more people were watching.

Then again, maybe it’s a good thing that nobody is watching this shitshow.

So they start the show by announcing what was called a “TNA Diva Lockbox Showdown”, in which a bunch of women will compete for keys to open boxes or something. The match happens and it’s a multi-woman match where a bunch of women get pinned and I have no fucking clue what’s going on. Are you sure I’m watching TNA, which is supposed to have the better women’s wrestling? This looks like something out of the Divas division run by LayCool, which is the equivalent of an extended piss break.

Then again, Russo is writing this shit, so I shouldn’t be surprised.

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RAW (Apr. 5th, 2010) – I’ve Cena Nuff

Just caught the RAW replay and… I sorta wished I hadn’t.

I’m sorry, but when John Cena is champion and featured in a good chunk of the program via multiple skits and matches, that just ruins the show for me. All I know is that it’s Cena vs. Batista in a Last Man Standing match at the next PPV… JOY.

Also, Sheamus challenges Triple H to fight, which HHH happily obliges. Rather funny, though – the Irishman brings a lead pipe, the Game brings a sledgehammer. I kinda liked the brief clash of weapons before Sheamus got red blemishes to that white skin of his… I mean, seriously. That’s his most distinguishing feature – his pale white skin and red hot hair. That’s a look I can get behind… now if only the guy can get a little better and a little more intimidating, just like he appears on the various promo materials he’s on.

Randy Orton defeated Jack Swagger in a quick match. The same Jack Swagger, mind you, who cashed his briefcase last week and became World Heavyweight Champion. Way to make your World Champ look like a fucking chump. I guess anyone holding a belt isn’t allowed to look the least bit credible unless you’re the boss’ son-in-law, long-time employee, or named John Cena. And they wonder why people don’t give a shit.

Eve Torres wins some Divas battle royal and earns a shot at the Divas title held by Maryse, the interchangeable Barbie doll from Laval… that’s all I got. At least, the title will be on the line in a match and not in a random box.

Hey, when was the last time Miz defended that U.S. championship? Why is he still champion again?

IMPACT (March 29th, 2010) – This Can’t Get Any Worse, Can It?

So Wrestlemania has come and gone, Shawn Michaels wrestled his last match and was given a hero’s farewell on RAW. Meanwhile, TNA saw Mick Foley get fired and he got his hero’s moment by punching out that fat fuck Bubba as a shoot. Good for you, Mick. Sadly, Bubba is still on my TV. I guess he could take a punch better than Stan could take a kick.
The only thing that would’ve made Bubba’s KO better is if Awesome Kong was the one delivering the killing blow.
Besides that, the show opens with Hulk Hogan booking Jeff Jarrett in a match against AJ Styles. Apparently, Hogan has forgiven Jarrett for that El-Kabong he gave him in Japan a few years back. Out goes Jarrett and in comes Jay Lethal in full “Black Machismo” mode, which impresses Hogan enough that he calls him Macho Man, ‘cuz it feels right. Gotta admit that bit was funny. Good job, Impact. You gave me a chuckle.
The fun doesn’t last, however. because out comes the nWo DA BAND with Bubba. He talks a bit… actually, you know what? Fuck it. I’m not watching this show…
Maybe fast forward a bit… see if anything interesting happens.
Tara and Daffney in a first blood match for the women’s title… well, they ain’t doing this shit on RAW, that’s for sure. I actually quite enjoyed this one; almost reminds me of that hardcore Tara/Victoria had with Trish Stratus at that one PPV years ago. In the end, Tara hits Daffney with a toolbox to make her bleed and Tara retains the title. Good for her.
TNA Champ AJ Styles going up against Jeff Jarrett… and wins. AJ seemed to have cut his hand at some point, looks pretty bad… you know what? I’m glad I skipped a large part of this show because this seems to be where the good stuff is at.
Jay Lethal vs. Beer Money in a handicap match… after a bit of action, Lethal rolls up Roode for the pinfall win, shocking Uncle Eric in the back. Eh, could be worse, I guess.
There’s a promo bit between Kurt Angle and Mr. Anderson inside some kind of steel cage; using a combination of chain links and steel beams. It’s a different look, I’ll give them that much. Anyway, they banter back and forth before Anderson admits he’s an asshole… and apparently, that’s his new thing. He’s an asshole. If that’s his only selling point, we’re all fucked.
And then there’s a six-man where Hardy, RVD, and Eric Young beat the nWo DA BAND in a six-man cage match. Yippee.
That’s the end of the show. Apparently, I skipped an awful Samoa Joe segment and Orlando Jordan doing whatever the fuck Orlando Jordan usually does these days. Probably for the best that I skip the garbage going forward. But what if the next episode is nothing but garbage?

IMPACT (March 22nd, 2010) – Foley’s Retired? Could’ve Fooled Me

Against my better judgment, I wasted a DVD-R to record this Impact show on another Bell box. To this show’s credit, this was “slightly” better than last week, but then again, last week’s show was so awful that “slightly better” is not much of an improvement.

Show opens with Eric Bischoff playing a guitar, which prompts Jeff Jarrett to come out and hit him with another. This prompts Eric to book a match between Jarrett and Foley in a Loser Gets Fired match. Then the match happened and Jarrett won, so Foley’s gone forever until they need him on TV again. I should mention that last time, Eric got his head shaved, but I guess it grew back, so that whole thing was pointless. On the bright side, Foley punched out that Bubba guy for real and gave him a black eye and a bloody nose.

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IMPACT (March 15th, 2010) – Why Am I Watching This Show?

The show begins with Hulk Hogan and Abyss driving up in a golden hummer. I wonder if it’s the same hummer that ran over Nash ages ago, but painted gold. Apparently, there’s a clip on Youtube about a gold boat somewhere that this may have gotten inspired by. I wouldn’t know. Oh, and also in the hummer were Jeff Hardy and new signee Rob Van Dam, last seen getting beat up by Sting after a fluke win.

Ric Flair and AJ Styles (your TNA World Champion, by the way) is out for a promo on Abyss… apparently, there’s a PPV coming up. Ric is somehow already bleeding; either that or he hasn’t showered in a week and probably couldn’t afford to. Otherwise, he wouldn’t be here wrestling for TNA. Jeff talks about getting high and stuff… this guy got arrest for drug possession before he got signed by TNA, didn’t he? Isn’t he supposed to be on trial? Is this the kind of… never mind.
Hogan later came for a promo and challenged Sting. Sting came out and RVD attacked from behind. I can’t believe we’re doing Hogan vs. Sting… again. Does Hogan get his win back here or something? Why am I watching this show?
Eric Bischoff and Mick Foley had a thing where Eric threatened to shave off Mick’s hair and beard, only to get socko’ed and his head shaved himself. I’m falling asleep. I’m turning this shit off.
Why did I watch this show?
Maybe I should delete this and never post it. I don’t think people need to know about this show and maybe TNA will kill themselves off due to their own stupidity. At this point, such a thing wouldn’t surprise me.

RAW (March 15th, 2010) – Some Notes

Well… after reading the results for Monday’s Impact (which had a main-event between AJ Styles and Jeff Hardy, along with Bischoff getting a hair cut or something), I decided to take a chance and watch RAW, which was to feature three Wrestlemania rewind matches and some contract signing between two old guys. Some quick notes and thoughts on the show:

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IMPACT (March 8th, 2010) – Not Enough of An Impact

Yes, this past Monday, rather than watching two hours of WWE RAW building up towards the climatic Cena vs. McMahon match (that sucked), I decided to give TNA the benefit of the doubt and tune in to their debut episode of Monday Nitro… er, I mean, Monday Night Impact.

(The above statement is a bit of a contradiction, as I had posted RAW thoughts on Tuesday, thus having clearly seen it. Maybe I caught the replay? I honestly can’t remember.)

Unsurprisingly, Impact pulled a 1.0 rating while WWE pulled a 3.x rating. So much for the war, huh?

But what about the show itself? Surely, TNA must have learned from their fiasco on January 4 (their first Monday show) and produced a much better show, right? Surely, they have come up with the best possible card to steal away WWE’s massive audience… right?

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RAW (March 8th, 2010) – Some Notes

Well… after reading the results for Monday’s Impact (which had a main-event between AJ Styles and Jeff Hardy, along with Bischoff getting a hair cut or something), I decided to take a chance and watch RAW, which was to feature three Wrestlemania rewind matches and some contract signing between two old guys. Some quick notes and thoughts on the show:

Continue reading “RAW (March 8th, 2010) – Some Notes”

IMPACT (Feb. 18th, 2010) – Abyss, Hulk Hogan, and the Ring of Power

The above video is a clip of an episode of TNA Impact that took place a couple weeks ago (the clip above is from their YouTube account) and is just about the most absurd thing I’ve ever seen in all my years of watching wrestling… and yeah, considering I’ve been watching this stuff for well over twelve years, that is saying a lot. Watch the clip first and then open the break to read my own thoughts.

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RAW (Jan. 11th, 2010) – Mike Tyson’s RAW… I Still Prefer Punch-Out!

So last night’s show featured Mike Tyson as a guest host, which made this the second RAW show that I stayed up until the end to watch. Of course, next week’s hosts prove that this is going to be the last one until Shatner comes along a couple weeks later.

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