Category: Written Reviews

MOVIE REVIEW – Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen (2009)

I hadn’t seen Revenge of the Fallen in theaters. I waited until it was on DVD.

And before watching the DVD, I watched the first Transformers flick for catch up. While the movie was lacking in depth and wasn’t really good, it did managed to keep me awake and it was a fun movie if nothing else. So despite all the bad reviews and word-of-mouth (which did nothing to prevent this movie from making a shitload of cash), I went into Fallen with the optimism that it’ll be somewhat shallow fun if nothing else.

Two and a half hours later, I suffered irreparable brain damage that may last a lifetime. That Ashens facepalm – taken from a brief “review” of the film that he posted around the time of the film’s release – perfectly sums up my mental state after watching this pile of shit.

This movie is an abomination; there is no cohesive story to follow, no interesting characters to care about, no fun moments to be had, and ultimately nothing of substance that could contribute to the enjoyment of this thing they call a motion picture. This is visual pollution in its most literal form, bombarding you with a powerful exposure in a long winding dose.

Cohesiveness and plotting are not the movie’s strong points. There wasn’t any one time through the movie where I wasn’t scratching my head in confusion, wondering what the fuck was going on. Yeah, I know that a popcorn flick isn’t supposed to be heavy on story, but then again, popcorn flicks are generally entertaining.

This movie lacked decent action sequences; they’re all really hard to follow and actually caused a bit of eye strain. It’s just a very unappealing movie to look at.

The acting in this movie isn’t the worst I’ve seen, but it certainly helps in not making me give a damn about any of these characters. They’re all seemingly impervious rag dolls that can walk and talk, yet can’t do either of them right. It’s almost a sign of epic failure when the most robotic thing in a movie about robots are the “human” characters.

Just about the only thing I could say good things about is the soundtrack; it’s actually not that bad. It’s a shame that I can’t hear enough of it amid all the loud, ugly explosions and piss-poor dialogue.

Bottom line, this movie sucks ass. It is perhaps one of the more putrid attempts at a motion picture that I’ve ever seen and I’ve seen a lot of really shitty movies. If you’re one of the few people who hasn’t seen Revenge of the Fallen, do yourself a favor and don’t watch it. You’re not missing a damn thing and quite frankly, you’re much better off.

MOVIE REVIEW: Suburban Knights (Channel Awesome, 2011)

So I had originally written the following piece of business as a script of sorts for a possible video review that is not going to come to fruition because… well, Channel Awesome fans are ravenous, spiteful people who will villify anyone who doesn’t treat their material as pure fucking genius… well, I assure you that I am more than to treat their “films” as pure fucking genius, as long as you understand that my use of the word “genius” does not necessarily mean the same thing that you would normally associate with the word.

Henceforth, I’ve decided to post the script here as is. Please excuse some of the typos and stuff; this wasn’t intended to be posted in text form, but since I’m not doing the video review (maybe some other substitute instead), might as well toss it on here. So enjoy.

Continue reading “MOVIE REVIEW: Suburban Knights (Channel Awesome, 2011)”

COMIC REVIEW – Superman (2011) #1 (THE NEW 52!)

Well, folks… The New 52 is here… It kinda sucks.

Some time ago, I sampled the first issue of Grant Morrison’s Action Comics, depicting a much younger, less powerful, and more rebellious Superman. I decided that I quite enjoyed that take on the character and was looking forward to the follow-up issue. I’m not sure if the same could be said for this other Superman book.

For what it’s worth, the first issue is all about establishing the new status quo going forward. Beginning with the demolition of the old Daily Planet building before introducing to the new media-saavy Daily Planet under new ownership, we eventually get the new Lois and Clark; the former now a new media correspondent while Clark remains partial to the printed word – a clash of philosophies… oh, and also not married as well as Lois no longer having knowledge of Clark’s double life. There’s less focus on Clark/Superman in this issue, putting the spotlight on the supporting cast and other happenings to set up future stories. In fact, the only time Clark is given any real focus is towards the end of the book, where he passes by Lois’ place to apologize for their earlier spat, only to meet up with Lois’ boyfriend named Jonathan… oops.

Whatever you want to say about the narrative – which isn’t so much George Perez than it is editorial mandate, though Perez’s need to bury the book in seemingly endless exposition doesn’t help matters, either – the artwork is tremendous. Perhaps a bit cramped with so many small panels, but when it comes to the rare bits of action, those play out wonderfully. I wish we had more of that instead of the other stuff; then I’d have more of a reason to stick around.

Good try, I suppose… but nope, still not sold on The New 52!…

COMIC REVIEW – Action Comics (2011) #1 (THE NEW 52!)

Well, folks. The New 52 is among us… and yeah, it largely sucks… but one thing that doesn’t suck (so far) is Grant Morrison’s Action Comics.

Action Comics gives us another take on Superman that is not only distinct from what we have come to know him as, but also has its roots in the earliest years of Superman lore. This rougher, take no prisoners rebellious Superman might be a stark contrast to the “big blue boy scout” that people are familiar with, but it does harken back to Superman’s younger days when he was a guy who took matters into his own head and went against the establishment before he eventually became it. This is also a less powerful Superman; tall leaps and bounds, some of the familiar powers, but not quite there yet.

I’m not a fan of the “current” Superman reboot, but this Action Comics take is promising. Honestly, out of all the New 52 drivel, this one intrigues me the most. If nothing else, at least this Superman has a personality and a hot streak that might not jive with what has been a traditional depiction of Superman, but is far and above better than the other stupid thing. And I like Rags Morales’ art here. It’s clean, it’s nice, it’s fine.

A promising start to a promising 1 out of New 52. Let’s see how long this goes before they fuck it up.

COMIC REVIEW – Flashpoint (DC Comics miniseries, 2011)

It seemed like the usual event comic that these major comic book publishers like to shoot out every year or so to give collectors more stuff to collect and maybe even read. You know how these things usually work; they usually have a core miniseries of five issues or so, spread the wealth across multiple one-shots or spin-off miniseries, and resolve the story with some changes in the status quo, sticking with those changes until the next year’s event comic. That sort of thing.

And by that context alone, the DC Comics event Flashpoint seems like the usual sort of thing with an interesting (for me, anyway) premise; due to unknown circumstances, the Flash a.k.a. Barry Allen finds himself in a world completely different from the one he’s familiar with; where the Amazons and Atlanteans are at war with each other, where the US government is in possession of a certain Kryptonian boy, and where Batman is actually Thomas Wayne, father of the late Bruce Wayne who spends his days running casinos in Gotham City and is an overall more brutish Batman than his son would have been. Now the Flash has to find a way to change things back to the way they were before his memories of the old timeline fade away forever… or before the world ends. Whichever comes first.

There were a few reviews I’ve read online that seem to feel that Flashpoint felt more like a Flash story that somehow became an event comic but never read like one. It’s probably a fair assessment, since the Flash is the main character and even from the get-go before the big climatic revelation in the final issue, I sort of knew that whatever happened in this story was probably Barry Allen’s fault…

Continue reading “COMIC REVIEW – Flashpoint (DC Comics miniseries, 2011)”

GameFAQs Review – Joust (Atari 7800)

Originally developed by John Newcomer and released to arcades in 1982, Joust is one of those games that I can honestly say is an all-time favorite of mine. I never played the game in its original arcade format; my first experience with Joust was on the Atari 7800 ProSystem and even today, it’s perhaps my favorite incarnation of Joust ever – so I figure “Why not take a look at this classic game on the 7800?” So here we are.

Now I’ve played a number of different versions of Joust; the Game Boy Color version, the emulated version that’s on the Midway Arcade Treasures disc, the version that plays on the Williams’ Arcade’s Greatest Hits cartridge for Super NES, and even the NES version of Joust, which I don’t particularly like all that much… but still, I picked up that version because… well, I like Joust… even if I’m not particularly any good at it. I mean, I do alright for the most part, but it’s a case of sometimes I do good and sometimes I do bad… but despite that, I have a good time with it and when all is said and done, isn’t that the most important thing about a video game? Having fun?

Now if you have never played Joust, then you’re going to Hell. But in any case, the object is to clear the screen of other bird riders by knocking them off their birds with either your lance or your bird’s bottom, all the while preventing the same thing from happening to you. Your main control scheme is the joystick to guide your bird and a flap button to take to the skies. Pressing the button rapidly causes you to fly faster, but makes it more difficult to slow down. This gives the game a sense of momentum that you have to take into account when planning your attack and one of the things that makes Joust a tough game to get into. But that makes it all the more satisfying.

Now as you progress, your opponents will be a tad more aggressive, platforms will disintegrate from sight and give you less cover, and you’ll even have to fend off against the fearsome Pterodactyl who will pick yo off unless you are lucky enough to slay the beast. Every fifth wave is an Egg wave, where you collect eggs before they hatch. At times, you’ll have Survival Waves, where you get a bonus if you survive a wave, and every 20,000 points nets you an extra life. If you play really well early on, you can accumulate lives before you eventually lose them all in the later waves… see? Good times had by all.

The 7800 was given a fantastic port of Joust, retaining almost everything that made the game a fun experience in the arcade. The control is responsive and pretty easy to work with. The gameplay is fast and furious with virtually no instances of slowdown or lag. All the little touches of the arcade game, the survival waves, the little quotations, the bird flying off when you kill its rider, Buzzard Bait, that sort of thing. Retained rather nicely. Nothing has been altered for the sake of alterations; this is Joust in perhaps its purest form on the 7800 and it plays brilliantly.

You have a choice of four different difficulty settings which is a nice handy option for those who find the default difficulty to be a little overwhelming or perhaps underwhelming. Although, at times, I often found myself performing extremely well in the Expert skill setting, sometimes even better than if I were playing on the Novice setting… strange, that. And the visuals in this 7800 port of Joust is actually pretty damn impressive. In fact, barring the faded colors and blocky nature of the graphics, the game almost looks near-arcade-perfect if you squint your eyes enough. It’s just that good looking.

Just about the only thing that’s missing from Joust on the 7800 is the arcade game’s fancy typeface, which is replaced with the generic blocky font found in most games on 7800, but this isn’t a huge loss and doesn’t take anything away from the game. The sound itself is actually pretty good on the 7800, somewhat resembling the sounds of the arcade original, albeit in a more degraded format. But still this is pretty solid stuff, audio-wise. I’ve no complaints in this regard.

Out of all the individual releases of Joust among the 8-bit systems, the Atari 7800 seems to be the best one of the bunch. What it lacks in sound quality and fonts, it makes up for with graphics which closely resemble the arcade game, fluid control, multiple difficulty levels, and gameplay that stays true to what made Joust a great arcade game. If you wanted a game that perfectly sold the Atari 7800’s strength in bringing home top-notch arcade conversions, look no further than Joust. It’s perhaps one of the few games that makes it worth owning an Atari 7800 ProSystem and, barring any of the compilation versions or Xbox live iterations of recent years, this is probably the version to get. A very good game. If you haven’t played it, you’re missing out on something great. Well worth the time.

BREAKDOWN
Graphics: 10/10 (Close to arcade perfect mimicry, no flicker, no problem)
Sounds: 10/10 (Closely matches the sounds of the arcade, impressive considering the sound processing)
Gameplay: 10/10 (Controls work wonders, gameplay true to the arcade original, tons of fun)
Challenge: 10/10 (Selectable skill setting so any player can get into it, solid learning curve, simple to get into)
Replay Value: 10/10 (Loads of fun to be had with this game, even better with a friend)

OVERALL: 10/10

DVD Review – Best Of WCW Nitro Volume 1 (3-Disc Set)

WWE just put out a Best Of WCW Monday Nitro DVD set… I’m sure there’s also a Blu-Ray version, but I don’t have that. I have this, so… yeah.

I find it sad that they had to condense six years worth of history onto a single 3-disc set, but for the most part, I actually liked this one and thought it was a pretty good compilation. I’ll probably go into further detail in a VLOG or something, but there’s quite a bit of good stuff here. Some stuff I can recall watching back in the day (the Lex Luger World Title win, the Bret Hart/Goldberg encounter in Toronto, the dreaded Fingerpoke Of Doom being a few examples) and then there’s stuff that I missed the first time around that I’m actually surprised they put in, such as the whole “reboot” segment in 2000, the Sting/DDP World title match where Sting would have a one-hour title reign before dropping it back to DDP on the same night, and the other Triple-Decker Cage Match.

If there were any complaints with the content, it’s that three discs isn’t enough to showcase some of the amazing stuff that WCW Nitro had produced during its tenure, and even during its final, limping days, there was just some good stuff hidden in there.

All in all, this is a nice little set. Here’s hoping they do a second set.

COMIC REVIEW – Batman: A Death In The Family

You know, it’s hard to go back to this one nowadays. Not because it’s a bad story or anything; on the contrary, A Death In The Family is probably one of the better Batman stories out there, even when you take the controversial circumstances surrounding its conception out of the equation. But rather because the big twist would be undone a decade after the fact and thus the impact of the story is ultimately lost.

So this is the story commonly known for the death of Jason Todd – at the time, the second character to assume the mantle of Robin and a somewhat unpopular character due to his more impulsive nature compared to the original Robin, Dick Grayson – who had assumed the identity of Nightwing by that point. In a rather bold and unorthodox move for its day, DC would place the fate of Jason Todd in the hands of its readership by way of a telephone poll where caller would call one of two numbers to determine whether Todd would survive his fatal blows or perish… and callers voted to kill the character off by an extremely slim margin, much to the chagrin and outrage of the mass media, appalled by the idea of DC killing off one of their most well-known characters, even if it isn’t technically the same character they were thinking of.

While A Death In The Family might be known for the killing of a major character, it shouldn’t detract from the fact that everything that comes before and after the scene of the crime is excellent, beginning with Jason Todd coming across information regarding the location of his birth mother in some foreign land. Unfortunately, also in this foreign land is the Joker. Things pick up steam, then Robin gets killed off, and now Batman has to deal with grief and a desire to end the Joker once and for all; a task that becomes a bit more complicated.

A Death In The Family remains one of the perennial Batman stories ever tol. Not only due to its main climax, but also for being a solid story overall with some fantastic art from Jim Aparo and Mike DeCarlo. And while Jason Todd has long since been resurrected because DC has run out of original ideas, thus rendering the big climatic turning point moot, this is still a good thrilling read from the days when such stories were done on a regular basis. Recommended.

COMIC REVIEW – Power Rangers Zeo #1 (Image Comics)

Image Comics got their hands on the Power Rangers license and only managed this; their only Zeo comic that was going to be the first chapter of a much longer story. And then… things fell apart and we didn’t get new Power Rangers comics until the Saban Powerhouse things the following year. It’s a shame, because out of all the Rangers comics up to this point, this was probably the best of the bunch.

It does the best job of giving us a primer on our main characters without going into ten pages of pointless exposition a piece, it gives us a predicament for our heroes to overcome, and then it tosses in our A-plot of the Machine Empire ravaging Master Vile’s domain because Zedd kept the Power Coin energies and now the Rangers have to claim that power back. All the while giving Billy a plot point about the faintest possibility of his powers being restored… even though he voluntarily stepped down because he wouldn’t look good in a skirt.

The real tragedy is that this was a solid first chapter of what would’ve been a compelling little story if Image played their cards right. The plotting was good, the characters are somewhat true to form, the overall artwork is quality stuff – even if Billy has his old glasses that he stopped wearing mid-Season 2 – and it didn’t feel like the usual throwaway licensed drivel. Hell, it doesn’t even look like the roughshod crap that usually came out of Image at the time. The fact that I’ve got this much to say about this one issue says volumes about how good it is.

Maybe someday, a deal can be worked out so that the Bierbaums will be able to continue this where they left… but given the state of comics afterwards – both in terms of Power Rangers and in general – my hopes aren’t high in this regard.

COMIC REVIEW – MMPR: Ninja Rangers #5

So this is it, the final Marvel comic of any sort of Power Rangers (or was that issue 7 of the other series?) And what do we get? A random bullied girl  who hates everyone being turned into a witchy witch who can control the weather. It’s a short story with little substance and a lot of Zord action. And the artwork is adequate enough that the Zords look like what they should, but other than that, it’s a nothing story… the story of Marvel’s output in their tenure with the comic rights to the franchise.

Since somebody will complain that I haven’t done the other half… well, I did say I wouldn’t. However, in short, the VR Troopers stuff that comprise the other half of this flip book series, for the most part, have consistent artwork and the stories are about on par with the Rangers output, but without a solid grasp of the series, I don’t know how close to the show these stories are.