Classic Bite Commentary #82 – October 14th, 2008

Don’t tell anyone this, but apparently it’s Election Day up here in Canada and we’re supposed to vote or something. I don’t know if you Yanks could follow this shit, but do yourself a favor and go ahead so you can watch the Great White North go down the political shitter… or not. Either way, it should be very entertaining for anyone who follows or remotely cares about politics.

With that having been said, it’s another Bite commentary and a rather scathing one, I’m afraid. Because I had Canadian Thanksgiving off (which was yesterday – hope yours went well), I’ve had plenty of time to reflect on some things without being disrupted by outside forces. Soooo….

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First Impressions – Kirby Super Star Ultra (Nintendo DS)

Kirby Super Star Ultra is a remake/port of the SNES game of the same name (minus the Ultra part). Essentially, it’s touted as having several games in one, but really it’s the same for a majority of the games; Kirby goes through several levels and clears them in typical fashion – sometimes with the help of a helper. Nothing too complicated, nothing thought-provoking, it’s essentially a what-you-see is what you get type of deal.

It’s a nice little deal that keeps in tune with other Kirby game. My only real problem is that it’s too easy; I’ve already cleared a good chunk of the game’s… er, games and there’s not much left to do other than improve my scores. Definately not worth the cash I paid for, but still a fun little romp and a decent addition to any Kirby collection.

COMIC REVIEW – The Punisher Kills The Marvel Universe (1995 One-Shot)

In 1995, Garth Ennis wrote a Punisher comic that saw Frank Castle’s family killed during a battle between the usual Marvel superheroes and an invading alien force. After the superheroes show no remorse for their actions and offer a pitiful apology, Castle goes ape shit and kills a few before he is arrested, taken to jail, broken out of fail, and offered a shitload of weapons and tech to kill all the heroes, becoming the same ol’ Punisher we all know, but with a decidedly different target.

Almost five years later, Ennis would pen a new Punisher mini-series that would be critically acclaimed and this one-shot would see a reprint, with a new cover by Ennis’ occasional collaborator, Steve Dillon. But I didn’t know any of this beforehand because I picked up the reprint. And so it was jarring to open up a Punisher comic by Garth Ennis and not have Steve Dillon do the art. Fortunately, Doug Braithwaite does a serviceable job, with reasonably proportioned characters and some decent looking setpieces.

And the story itself is actually quite brilliant; shifting the Punisher’s war on crime to that of a war on superhumans and basically telling the story of a man who won’t stop until all these heroes (and villains) are dead. If nothing else, some of the kills are pretty creative and the way the comic comes to its conclusion makes sense.

For what is essentially a glorified What If, The Punisher Kills The Marvel Universe is a pretty entertaining read if you just want a bonkers comic. Recommended.

DTM BLOG Classics #42 – Better Acting, 1 Year Older Pinky, and A Reminder

According to any wrestling news site worth reading, Vince McMahon has been talking about his wrestlers needing to be better actors. The idea is that WWE programming should have the same top-notch acting as a regular television show.

Only problem with this scenario is that wrestlers aren’t good actors… if they were, every film WWE has churned out would have been a success. Let’s be honest here – not everyone can Dwayne Johnson, who was the only wrestler to be a good actor… and look where he ended up. Maybe if the wrestler becomes a good actor, he might actually want to act in a better show…

Might want to reconsider that better actor thing, Vince. Aim a little lower… try convincing wrestlers they should be better than Santa With Muscles or Mr. Nanny, but not much farther than that and you’ll be OK.

Speaking of better acting, Pinkie turned 30 some time ago and so I offer belated birthday wishes.

Finally, I’d like to offer a friendly reminder to all those modern gaming console owners to head on over to their digital shop of choice and pick up 9… because 140,000+ clearly isn’t a big enough sales number. It is a nice throwback to the days when video games were awesome, except it’s made today and that’s fun.

First Impressions: The Force Unleashed (PS2)

So I recently picked up this game recently and only played it yesterday.

As of this writing, I made it up to the third level so far and then took a break from it. For the most part, the game is fairly enjoyable; it’s a simple hack-and-slash with force powers, the story seems fairly decent so far (though it’s supposed to get better later on) and the graphics are of decent quality despite the aging hardware.

 However, there are issues. The Force targeting is a little wonky; sometimes I force-levitate an enemy as opposed to a piece of stray debris on the floor more often than not. Also, the camera seems too broken for my tastes, sometimes placing it in front of some huge set piece that blocks my view and thus I have no clue what the fuck is going on.

But other than those minor complaints, I’m liking this game so far.

TMNT on NES… Still A Good Game Despite Nerd Boy

I just ended an hour of TMNT on the NES, somehow managing to beat the game without dying despite the fact that I haven’t played the game in years… and I mean, really play the game, not just “play for a few minutes, relish in the old memories, and then off to the shelf you go.” This was a good ol’ romp through childhood lane.

Some minor thoughts while playing through this game:

– AVGN complained about the pizza in the building (in Area 01) and how it takes much effort to get there. The solution is pretty simple: you see the fucking pizza on the first screen… THE FIRST FUCKING SCREEN. If you actually believe fighting your way through enemies for a pizza is worth, go right ahead and get it, but don’t bitch to me when you do get it and leave the building with one red block left in your life meter.

– The “infamous” underwater level… I actually managed to make it through the whole level without switching turtles. Mind you, ol’ Raph nearly bit the bullet, but I found the level to be actually easier than I thought.

– Splinter tells you to get to the blimp so you can chase the helicopter, but I always wondered how they would find the helicopter after having gone through several extraniously difficult passages. More to the point, I’d like to know exactly how the Turtles uncovered the secret Foot camp (the fifth area).

– Somehow, I managed to find the Technodrome on the first shot. I guess I jumped the gun a bit, so allow me to explain. In the fifth are, you have to search three underground caverns for the Technodrome. Only one path leads you to the monstrous tank, while the other two paths are dead ends. Back in the day, the Technodrome would be found in the hardest of these paths, but today I just took the easiest path and boom – there it was… completely by accident.

– The final area… somehow I survived this area despite being ill-prepared for this. Actually, the flying white dudes didn’t seem as frustrating now as they did back in the day. Either I’m getting better or they’re getting sloppy… probably the latter.

– Scrolls are your friend. Embrace them and DON’T LOSE THEM!

All in all, an enjoyable experience nonetheless and a difficult game conquered. Overall, I still say that this is a good game, regardless of what the almighty NERD says…

Now TMNT2: The Arcade Game? That’s a Cowa-Fucking-Piece-Of-Dog-Shit. I’ll stick with the original arcade version on MAME or on the TMNT2: Battle Nexus game.

Thank you for reading. Good night.

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The ending rocks too.

A Relic Comes Home (and also Castle Of Dragons)

So I found myself a classic Nintendo Entertainment System.

Well, a working one.

A front-loader. Classic model.

For the most part, it works without fail… mostly. The obvious connector issue is an issue, but it works better than my dearly departed system, which means I can play Castlevania III without fail… and that’s a good thing because that game needs a bit of love that my FC Twin cannot provide.

However, instead of playing that gloriously difficult game, I’m spending my time playing crap like The Last Starfighter and Platoon. Suddenly, I get the feeling as to why my last front-loader died the death it did… even though its last game being played was Kirby’s Adventure, which is not crap.

Speaking of not crap, I also snagged the original Contra in a shop downtown. Truth be told, there’s a lot of good games there, but the prices are just ridiculous. In any case, I got that, along with another game called Castle of Dragon… the less said about that game, the better, but at least it was real cheap.

In closing, I’d like to remind you folks that Mega Man 9 is out now and I do suggest you get it… because it deserves love.

Classic Bite Commentary #81 – September 23rd, 2008

Welcome to another Bite commentary. As you could probably tell, the commentary series is no longer THE BITE REBORN, but just THE BITE. Not a huge change, but what’s the point? It’s been around for a couple years now and yet it’s still reborn. So anyway, let’s get on with some quick shit.

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Jake Hangs His Snake Out His Pants

According to this article and the proceeding video (which you can check out here), Jake “The Snake” has gone bonkers after sipping a few drinks or twenty. Normally, I’d say that this is mildly funny and amusing, but after watching that vid, I almost find it sad that he’d turn out this way… maybe he should quit while he’s still… um, yeah.

And you know what the funny thing is? Apparently, this is the same guy who had posted a very detailed analysis of last week’s RAW on his MySpace blog. It absolutely boggles the mind on how he could have gone from fine-tuned commentaries on the net to hanging your dick out at a benefit wrestling event.

Just go away, Jake. As a favor to all of us and as a favor to yourself. You’ve done everything you could have ever done in the business, now it’s time to step aside before you become even more of a joke and embarrassment. We already have a joke of the industry walking God’s green Earth: his name is Hulk Hogan.

Splash has what now?

As some people may have noticed, the Rockman 9 OST has been released – brief snippets can be found on the net (it sounds good). Some scans of the booklet revealing the bosses have surfaced and naturally, the Japanese text was translated for us stupid North Americans. Nothing particularly special (although the new bosses look both awesome and weird at the same time), but then you read Splash Woman’s description, which goes something like this…

A robot who performs rescue work in situations such as sinking ships and people in oceans. Her special weapon is the Laser Trident. It fires a laser that has penetration ability.

Okay, so Splash Woman’s weapon has penetration abilities. Yes, that sounds just about right… yeah.

Um… right.

Very unsettling.

(2019 Update: The Laser Trident can penetrate shields, which makes it useful for enemies that have shields. It’s actually pretty useful despite its somewhat unfortunate descriptor.)