Mighty Mutanimals

While I was in the john one day, I was rumaging through the magazine basket and pulled out an old copy of the collected Mighty Mutanimals miniseries published by Archie Comics. For those who have no clue what I’m talking about…

Once upon a time, Archie Comics used to publish Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Adventures, a comic series loosely based on the original animated series. Starting off as loose adaptations of early episodes, the series would then segway into outlandish adventures that included man ray fillets, intergalactic wrestling matches, mutant jaguars named Jagwar (conceived in a union between a wildwoman and a jaguar spirit… don’t ask), and a flying cow’s head. Those were good days. In any case, Archie decided to compile some of these non-TMNT anthrophomorphic animals and turn them into a team. Or something like that.

So yeah, I was reading this and thought… “Hey, this could make a great review.” Maybe… we’ll see.

First, I gotta get all this MMPR stuff out first.

VIDEO – Does This Woman Eat The Skulls Of Children To Survive?

The question is in reference to an old Rangerboard meme regarding Tracy Lynn Cruz (she who played the Yellow Chick in latter-half Turbo and entire In Space) and her seemingly ageless appearances in which she needs to feed off skulls of children in order to maintain such youthfulness. Tracy didn’t answer the question because it sounds stupid… but then again, who could blame her? It’s such a stupid question to begin with…

Then again, you knew it had to happen sooner or later… just like this one time when someone asked Austin St. John about his alleged gay porno career that he never had so shut the fuck up, son. Jason will fuck you up, motherfucker. You hear me?

JASON WILL FUCK YOU UP, SON.

RAW (Feb. 20th, 2012) – Nice try, Vinny… But I’m Not Biting

Yeah, might as well beef this up a bit more, because unlike a lot of people, I wasn’t too thrilled with this one.

Eve Torres? Yeah, hi. Try not to take this the wrong way, but I highly suggest you get some acting lessons because you don’t play the spoiled brat too well. Seriously, this is just sad. I like cheese, but when horrible acting gets so bad that it spoils the cheese, then I’m sorry, but there’s no way I can sit back, relax, and have a good time because my cheese is ruined and it’s a pretty expensive piece of cheese, let me tell you.

Even more saddening is that the whole “Cheating Eve” bit was a sad attempt to absolve John Cena of all wrong doing, because he’s the good guy who stuck around while Dwayne was doing movies. It wasn’t Johnny’s fault that Eve frenched him in front of Zack Ryder. Gee, I hope Mrs. John Cena wasn’t watching when this happened. Hey, kids! Do you know what adultery is? I sure do!

John Cena is mad that Dwayne is using WWE to get back on the people’s good side? Wow! Amazing promo! John Cena is there for everybody! Hooray! Because John Cena’s the good guy! Yay! Because John Cena would never take advantage of an up-and-coming superstar to further his own career and get back in the good graces of the audience! Nor did he ever leave WWE for a significant amount of time to make a movie! No, sir, he didn’t!

Oh wait… Zack Ryder says HI! And lest I can recall, Cena took two months off to film The Marine.

Hustle, Loyalty, and Respect? Let’s add another one to that paragraph; Bullshit.

So the cocktease to a surprise everyone saw coming is here; another HHH/Taker match at Mania 28, this time in Hell In A Cell. Oh yeah, great idea. Because we all remember the last time we had Hell In A Cell at Wrestlemania, don’t we? And that turned out absolutely Russoriffic!

I’m sure everyone is going to be praising this like the second coming, but you know what? Fuck it; I still don’t care about HHH/Taker. Nor do I quite frankly care about John Cena/Dwayne. What’s the fucking point? Why should I care about two part-timers who are going to pretty much fuck off after Mania? What’s the point of caring about a dream match that has given me no rhyme or reason to be invested? Especially when nothing is going to come of it. Dwayne is going to go back to doing fucking movies while John Cena is going to be his usual boring-as-shit self doing absolutely fuck all. I. DON’T. CARE.

Right now, the only matches that I seem to care about more than either of the two “main events” are the two World Title matches and even then, I admit that’s only on a rather marginal level. No doubt, CM Punk vs. Chris Jericho is going to be a pretty good match and Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan for the World Title is going to be vindication for these two after they were turfed from last year’s Mania and relegated to dark match duty. Unfortunately, the chances of either of these two championship matches being top of the card is slim to none because they’ll be overshadowed by the old-timers’ match and the dream match nobody cares about.

I didn’t think it was possible for a Wrestlemania to be LESS anticipated than last year’s anemic affair, but here we are.

WWE Elimination Chamber 2012

A PPV tonight you say? Fuck if I knew that…

Anywhoo, last night was WWE’s Elimination PPV… oh, I mean Elimination Chamber PPV… sorry, but I just went by what Johnny Ace called it. After all, this guy’s the Executive VP of Talent Relations… despite having no actual talent aside from kissing ass. Anyway, time to shoot out some random thoughts. Should be pretty simple stuff, really.

Continue reading “WWE Elimination Chamber 2012”

DVD Review: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – Turtles Forever (2009 Release)

So in 2009, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise celebrated its twenty-fifth anniversary and as such, the event was celebrated not only with a change in ownership from Mirage Studios to Viacom, but also resulted in Turtles Forever, a film that serves as a crossover between the 2003 cartoon Turtles and the much beloved cartoon Turtles from the classic 1987 cartoon. And then it was released onto DVD. Unfortunately, the DVD release is a very barebones release that only includes the film and not much else in terms of features.

The Good: The only good that could be said about the DVD is that the film itself is top-notch fanservice and a satisfying conclusion to not only the 2003 incarnation of TMNT, but in a way, also closes out an era of Turtle-dom that dates back to its origins in 1984. The 87 Turtles aren’t voiced by the original actors, but they sound close enough if not a bit too goofy. Still, it’s a fun little movie that is a celebration of what’s come before as much as it is an ending.

The Bad: The DVD itself is slim pickings; only packing the film and chapter selection. Not even captions or alternate languages. Also the film is the edited version and not the uncut version that is supposed to feature eight minutes of additional material. It’s not a bad film and without having seen the longer version, I don’t know how much I’m actually missing here… but man, what a missed opportunity to include a more complete version, even if the extra stuff might seem a bit extraneous.

Overall: Turtles Forever got a cheap-o DVD release and given what it represents, I do wish more was done to give this a better treatment. Even a trailer or two would’ve been nice. Still, having some form of Turtles Forever in a consumable format is nice to have and the DVD is pretty cheap, so if you haven’t seen this one and find the disc laying around somewhere, why not give it a shot?

About Chyna’s WWE Parody Porno

So Chyna is featured in a porn parody of WWE. They had pictures previewing this thing, but the link’s been taken down. The only thing I could say is that the guy parodying Triple H doesn’t have a big enough nose.

Did anyone send her the memo as to why Vince wants nothing to do with her?

Anybody at all?

Fucking hell.

And before anyone asks… fuck no, I’m not watching this shit. I still bare scares from 1 Night In China. And the less said about THAT, the better.

RAW (Feb. 13th, 2012) – Not Even Shawn Michaels Could Make Me Care About Taker/HHH III

Last night’s RAW was in that zone that teetered between boring and depressing. If this was the show that they were hoping to entice potential customers to purchase their upcoming pay-per-view this Sunday, then I can’t say it’s been effective.

– The opening debate among the various participants in the ultimately worthless Elimination Chamber match; strangely enough, a concept that could have been depressing was probably the show’s best segment. Sure, it felt a bit slow at times, but all six superstars got to say their piece and CM Punk got a nice dig on Jericho regarding Dancing With The Stars. Was it enough to sell the PPV in my eyes? Not really, but on the bright side, it gave people a chance to talk and it was something remotely different.

– What isn’t remotely different is the seemingly never-ending stupidity between John Cena and Kane and their seemingly endless attempts to “push” Zack Ryder by making him looking completely and utterly stupid, regardless of whether that was their intent. If this is suppose to make us care about Cena or Ryder, then it isn’t fucking working. And if this is suppose to rally support for Cena in his upcoming match with Dwayne, then it’s also not fucking working. Dwayne might not be around as much as anybody in WWE would like, but that’s probably a good thing because that means he won’t get stale and boring… which is exactly what John Cena or anybody else happens to be right now. Cena could actually benefit from a long absence and so would WWE, quite frankly.

– Also, Shawn Michaels shows up, goads HHH into accepting Taker’s challenge, and HHH once again refusing… also, Taker cuts his hair… or cuts hair from the wig he’s wearing… as enthralling as this might be, I have no desire to see another HHH/Taker match, especially since the last one was oh, so painful.

You’ll note that I never bring up any of the matches that take place. The matches are inconsequential in the long run and in all honesty, I never gave a damn about what was going on. A dangerous mindset for any viewer to possess as it will tune them out. Overall, I thought the show was below meh.