Category: Movie Reviews

The other film that we rented was Be Cool, which was the sequel to a prior movie called Get Shorty, which I’ve never seen. This means that I had no clue what was going on and sadly, this movie doesn’t help much in terms of filling the blanks. Most sequels will at least have some kind of hook for those who somehow missed out on the first movie… especially if that movie came out A WHOLE DECADE AGO!

Be Cool doesn’t do that for newcomers… nor does it do the other thing you’d want out of a movie and that’s be entertaining. That last bit boggles the mind because you have a fantastic array of talented stars on this cast lineup (and even the Rock is there) who could have elevated even the crummiest of scripts, but I guess everyone was just phoning things in because there was nothing here. There are supposed jokes and references to things, but these fall flat and I don’t think even knowing anything about Get Shorty would make these even funnier.

By the halfway point, the audience (myself and a few others in the room) were pretty much done with the film and talking about other shit. There’s no comedy to be found here nor was there anything that we could at least poke fun of. When you can’t even mock a movie for its badness, that film is pretty much doomed to failure and unfortunately, we learned that lesson the hard way.

Be Cool is not a good movie. Avoid at all costs. Stick with the Ice Princess. It’s safe, but it’s at least fun to watch.

We watched a couple movies some time ago and I’d figured that I would share some quick thoughts on each. Nothing major or anything. A typical IMDB quick review that tells you nothing, but considering this is outside my usual tastes, it might be worth something?

The first movie we picked out was The Ice Princess, which I can best describe as the typical Disney story where they make an ordinary girl and turn her into a pretty one that eventually learns a wholesome lesson of sorts, along with the usual trademark story twists that are typical in these types of movies. In this case, an ace physics student revives her old love of figure skating for the sake of a term paper, only to be torn between pursuing her academic dreams and her newly rediscovered passion for the sport she once held near and dear to her heart.

Look, I’m typically not fond of these sorts of films from the house of mouse; they typically follow a formula that they rarely (if ever) break away from and the Ice Princess is more of the same in that regard. Still, I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t enjoy this one. The cast is fairly likeable, the acting and writing is fairly safe and solid, and there’s some pretty slick figure skating routines. Sure, it’s hard to buy into the dramatic bits because this is fairly predictable fare, but still, this was a perfectly enjoyable little flick whose 90+ minute runtime flew by quickly and I stayed awake for the most part.

All in all, good, clean, harmless fun.

Ready To Rumble is, without question, the worst movie in human history.

Released in 2000, it stars David Arquette and Scott Caan as two wrestling fans who set out on an adventure of sorts after their favorite wrestler was screwed out of the title and they’re gonna get him back on top. The favorite wrestler in question is a character named Jimmy King, played by Oliver Platt. The title that Jimmy was screwed out of was the WCW World title.

Once upon a time, there was a wrestling company called World Championship Wrestling. And for a couple years, they were the hottest thing in the wrestling world until the WWF got its shit together and kicked their asses. Somewhere along the way, WCW decided that they needed a movie to boost their popularity even further and THIS was the end result. To make matters worse, this was released during a time when WCW was producing some of the worst wrestling programming ever conceived and, in case some of you are wondering if this movie did anything to help WCW’s image, the movie failed to make bank at the box office, it was critically panned, and a year later, WCW would be shut down and its assets purchased by WWF.

The sad thing is that at its core, Ready To Rumble’s plot isn’t all that bad. Top wrestler in a company is screwed and exiled from the top and with the help of his two biggest fans, he eventually regains the confidence and his prestige, while being a bit more humble along the way. In the hands of competent filmmakers, this could have been the basis for a nice, feelgood comedy of sorts. Alas, in the case of Ready To Rumble, we don’t have competent filmmakers at the helm… but that’s okay. The one thing that this had in common with WCW was the lack of competent acumen present in producing a quality product.

Ready To Rumble fails on multiple levels. It fails as a comedy movie; it’s all low-brow, scat-based humor. Some of the slapstick bits are somewhat embarrassing. They somehow got a big time actor like Martin Landau to play an old-time wrestler and made him look like a loon. None of the actors in this movie come across as particularly good and a lot of that is less due to their performances (which aren’t great, but they tried to make the most of this garbage) and more due to the pisspoor writing. None of the jokes are funny. None of the action bits are particularly good. And then we get to the main bits of the movie, which is the wrestling bits.

And that brings up another point; Ready To Rumble fails as a wrestling movie. I understand that wrestling is largely seen as low brow entertainment, but considering that this featured WCW wrestlers and talent and Time Warner still owned WCW, you’d think that they would try to make a movie that depicted wrestling in a semi-respectable manner… or at the very least, didn’t make WCW look like the biggest shithole in the world. Wasn’t the point of this thing to try and get people interested in WCW? How did that work out?

Oh wait, it didn’t.

The fact of the matter is that Ready To Rumble treats wrestling like a joke. It depicts wrestling fans as being a bunch of retards who have no life whatsoever. It is a movie about wrestling that is so embarrassed to be a movie about wrestling that it doesn’t try to disguise that fact and does whatever it does to make wrestling seem like a joke. And hey, I understand that there are those who share that mindset. Wrestling is seen as low-brow entertainment and given the kind of shit that WWE puts on television these days, it’s hard to argue that point.

Here’s the thing, though; once upon a time, WWE did put out a movie; a little thing you may have heard of called No Holds Barred. And yes, it’s largely a live-action cartoon – it’s a Hulk Hogan movie, for fuck’s sake. Of course, it’s a cartoon… BUT when it comes to the wrestling aspect of it, at no point is it treated as a joke. Hogan plays the World Champion and a rival network wants Hogan to jump ship, so they start their own show, find their own tough guy, and sends challenges to Hogan to fight their guy Zeus. And the climax is a wrestling match where lots of stuff happen that probably shouldn’t, but within the context of the movie and the story that they’re telling, it works.

Now I’m not going to tell you that No Holds Barred is a GOOD movie – again, it’s a Hulk Hogan starring vehicle – but it does a far better job of treating the wrestling bits as straight as possible within the context of the story they’re telling. Ready To Rumble, on the other hand? Wrestling is a joke, everyone involved in the business is a joke, everyone who enjoys this stuff is a joke, and this whole thing becomes a self-fulfilling waste of time. Now does this film offend me as a wrestling fan? No, but it does offend me as a moviegoer. If you’re making a movie about this thing and you’re not going to take it seriously, why should I? The wrestling aspect is buried in shit and everything around that central piece of business – the “funny” bits – fails even harder.

The fact that WCW had a hand in this movie’s production and would allow their brand and wrestlers to be treated like total goofs while hoping that this would raise awareness in their own product… dude, who’s gonna watch this and think “This WCW looks stupid, but I WANT MORE?!” Ironically, the depiction of WCW in the movie isn’t that far removed from the product that was being presented on WCW television at the time of release.

But even beyond that, Ready To Rumble is just trash all around. You have talented actors who have done good stuff elsewhere reduced to scat jokes and juvenile humor that even the juveniles would consider too juvenile. I’ve seen David Arquette do good stuff elsewhere (Scream, that movie with the dog, whatever those Collect commercials were), Oliver Platt’s been in some good stuff, and again… they somehow dragged MARTIN LANDAU into this piece of shit. These are talented actors who have done good work and they are WASTED in this piece of shit.

I’m no fan of Hulk Hogan. At no point will I ever watch a Hulk Hogan movie and call it a good film. A good Hulk Hogan movie simply does not exist in this world. Even so, I would rather watch every single Hulk Hogan movie under the sun ten times over than suffering through another sitting of Ready To Rumble, which I have no problems in declaring the absolute worst movie ever made in human history. And I don’t need to have seen every movie ever made in human history to make that determination because I REFUSE TO BELIEVE that there is a movie out there that is worse than this.

This movie is trash and deserves to die.

Might as well get it off my chest. Unfortunately, against my better judgment, I had seen Catwoman. When someone joked about it being the next great horror story, he was half-right. It was horrifying, but not great.

Even years after the movie’s release, I still can’t buy Halle Berry in the Catwoman role. I have a hard time believing that she was the absolute best woman for the job when there were probably tons of more qualified actresses (regardless of ethnicity) that could have fit the role just fine. I think the decision to cast Berry has more to do with her popularity at the time than anything else. And you know what? She’s a fine actress in her own right – won Oscars for a reason – but this Catwoman role is beneath her. And the hapless script gives her little to do to make the character remotely likable.

So they changed the back story of the character; instead of thief Selina Kyle, we get graphic artist Patience Phillips. You know what? I’m cool with that. It doesn’t really bother me. But while the original Catwoman character is supposed to be somewhat of an anti-hero and has somewhat of an interesting history and character, this Catwoman is more of a prostitute than anything else, the flimsy costume (ugh) contributing to that image more than anything else. Nothing she does in this movie gives me a reason to care about her plight because she comes off as really unlikable. In fact, none of the characters seem interesting. They’re just there.

As for the rest of the movie… it’s terrible. The acting is below par, the visuals are dark and murky, and the action is pretty underwhelming. The plot is horrible girl power cliché garbage involving toxic cosmetics and… I’m entirely convinced that there is no script despite writers being credited. I can only assume they wrote this on a couple napkins and someone thought this was a good idea to turn into a movie.

Overall, Catwoman is one of those movies best left in the gutter. There’s nothing remotely redeeming about this film; it’s just terrible, terrible stuff. So terrible that it will kill your cat and strip it of its remaining lives at the same time. Avoid this movie at all costs.

Street Fighter is a 1994 action-adventure feature-film loosely based on the 1991 hit arcade game, Street Fighter II. It has nothing to do with the Street Fighter series of films starring Sonny Chiba from the 1970s; this very important, very obvious fact is worth mentioning because despite the popularity of the Street Fighter franchise and the cult status of the Street Fighter film series, there are a small number of people who believe that there is a connection between the two… other than the fact that the two share the same name. I’m serious; those people exist.

In any case, whenever most people bring up Street Fighter to any Street Fighter aficionado, they tend to look down upon the movie because it isn’t entirely accurate to the original video games. Watching the movie, I sort of understand why. Whereas Street Fighter II The Game was about a number of fighters taking part in a global tournament, each with their own motivations and whatnots, the Street Fighter movie reconfigures the plot into a U.N.-esque military operation headed by the American Colonel Guile (played by Belgium Van-Damme) to rescue hostages from a terrorist group headed by General M. Bison (played by Raul Julia).

The end result of this shift in storyline is the reconfiguration of certain characters that is different from the source material. Rather than being friendly rivals, Ryu and Ken are now street hustlers and smugglers looking for a quick buck. Chun-Li is a news reporter with a camera crew of Balrog and Edmund Honda, rather than an Interpol agent, an agressive boxer banned from the sport (although that detail is brought up in a scene), and a champion sumo wrestler respectively, Dhalsim is apparently a scientist for some reason, T. Hawk is actually scrawnier in comparison to his roided-up video game original counterpart, and the Brazilian beast Blanka is actually a mutated version of Guile’s best friend, Charlie… who would eventually be introduced into the Street Fighter Alpha series of fighting games later on and be a derivative of Guile’s fighting style as opposed to having anything to do with Blanka… whose real name is actually Jimmy… which is the furthest thing from a Brazilian name there could be.

Yeah, it’s easy to see why the hardcore fans would hate on this movie.

If you were to put aside the numerous inaccuracies and liberties taken in porting the source material to the silver screen, you would find a film that has its shining moments among the layers of cheese and camp. Some of the set-pieces were rather nice and did a good job in depicting war-torn country and a makeshift command center. Some of the costume work was rather nice (Bison costume especially) and there was some attempt to make these actors look like their video game counterparts – with varying degrees of success. The action sequences were pretty cool with plenty of explosions, and the fights were somewhat serviceable, given the varied experience of the cast. And hey, they even managed to toss in a couple moves from the game – albeit in a limited or drastically altered state… but it’s the thought that matters. Funny how a much later live-action adaptation attempt missed this mark

Some people have issues with Guile being the focal point of the movie and thus the guy who defeats Bison. I would admit that Van-Damme as Guile… meh, not the best choice, but he does what he can with the material given… and that cheese has to come from somewhere. But setting aside the casting choice… in my mind, it made perfect sense for an American production studio to place the American soldier in the protagonist role of their Street Fighter motion picture. Surely, if Russians had conceived a Street Fighter film, it wouldn’t surprise me if they made Zangief the hero of the story. Street Fighter II, at least at the time and long before the convoluted storytelling attempts and retcons that made the whole series plotline much more ridiculous than any third-party medium ever did, always seemed like a pretty open-ended tournament that had eight (later twelve, later sixteen, later thirty-something… ARGH!) possible outcomes.

I rather liked Raul Julia’s portrayal of M. Bison in this movie; he manages to convey while bringing some class and dignity to the role… something I felt was lacking in later, more truer interpretations of the character. The rest of the acting is rather hit or miss. But any scene involving Zangief and his backwards way of thinking did earn me a chuckle, so there’s that.

Overall, Street Fighter is a pretty okay movie. For what it gets wrong in terms of adapting the source material, it also provides some good, dumb, cheesy fun. If you’re willing to forgo any nitpicking tendencies and just want a decent action flick, then Street Fighter is a worthwhile choice. There are certainly worse movies out there, but this isn’t one of them.

“Ever wonder how Uwe Boll feels when people crap on his video game movies without ever having watched them? He should try and sit through the J’Lo/Affleck mess called Gigli.

“I rented this movie once, hearing all the bad rap. Then I popped it in. Five minutes into the movie, I rewind the tape and brought it back to the video store. Five minutes into a movie and I hated it… what does that tell you about the rest of the movie?

“As years went on and I grew more of a spine, I eventually decided to sit through the entire movie… and after that, arranged for an immediate lobotomy so that I can purge all memory of this drivel.”

That’s how I started my imdb review posting back in October 2003… the movie came out in August… how could I have rented the video? Through the magic of instant cassettes… or a bootleg copy that I saw at a friend’s house. And yes, after watching more of this garbage, I certainly FELT like I’ve aged years. However, the last paragraph in that review holds very true.

“Gigli is pure garbage. There is not ONE single, solitary positive aspect to be found anywhere within this picture. There is not ONE aspect that can deem Gigli one of those “so bad it’s good” films that I’ll find enjoyment out of. If there is any high point to be found, it was ultimately sucked into the black hole of ineptitude that is Gigli, a film with an unlikable cast of “characters” or lack thereof, a convoluted storyline, terrible pacing, and an utter lack of chemistry among any of the cast. It’s just a mess of a motion picture that somehow got approved and shipped out for public consumption, reaffirming my lack of faith in humanity.”

I know what you’re asking. “Ah, Dave. Aren’t you being overly dramatic? It’s just a rom-com.”

Oh, you poor bastards. I’m not being OVERLY dramatic… if anything, I’m being OVERLY nice.

Gigli plays out like a shitty parody of a mobster movie. Ben Affleck has been in better stuff, he has done better performances, and this is neither. The same can be said for Jennifer Lopez or anyone else in this film. Was this a vanity project for the Bennifer couple or just something everyone was doing for the money and they weren’t even going to try. You can try and convince me of one or the other, but there’s no reason to believe that BOTH can’t be true at once.

There is no reason to watch Gigli. If you’re one of the many who skipped on this movie when it came out, continue to do so. And if anyone suggests that you need to watch this movie as a rite of passage, disown them. They don’t deserve to be part of your life… or any realm of existence for that matter.

Fuck this movie.

Alert the medical profession – the cure for insomnia has been found!

Everyone knows Kelly Clarkson, right? That chick who won that American Idol ages ago and made a career for herself with a couple decent-selling albums? She seemed to do fine as far as I know. Don’t really follow her all that much (not my kind of music), but she’s making a career out of it, at least.

Lucky for her too, because Justin has been off the radar somewhat as of late.

In 2003, Kelly (the first Idol winner) and Justin (the first Idol runnerup) were shoehorned into a movie called From Justin to Kelly, without a doubt the best movie that ever put me to sleep… I’m not joking. I have rarely seen a movie which bored me to tears, but this takes the cake.

Maybe it’s because I’m not a big fan of the movie type where every one breaks into song for no apparent reason, but I’ve seen Grease and that didn’t put me to sleep. It probably wouldn’t help the movie’s cause any way, as it has a cliché plot, uninteresting characters, and acting that makes pre-school make-believe sessions seem like Shakespeare in comparison.

The only thing that could have saved this movie is Simon Cowell showing up after every song and berating the cast and crew for such a dreadful number. Oh well.

Moral of the story: when starring in rubbish like this, having a rack helps. Someone should have clued that Justin fellow in on that trade secret.

Please don’t watch this movie. It’s not worth your time.

Space Jam was a movie I saw in an empty theater with my brother and someone else. It was one of the first times I’ve been to a movie that has (almost) no one in it. That kind of memory sticks out more than the movie itself.

But as far as the movie goes… I thought it was alright.

Story goes that the Looney Tunes characters are being challenged by alien basketball players who want to beat the past out of the ‘toons, so they enlist the help of one Michael Jordan, who was in the middle of a baseball career in between stints in the basketball court. The movie is done in the same way as Who Framed Roger Rabbit, where Michael Jordan himself would mingle with the ‘Tunes in their hand-drawn cartoon world and eventually vice versa would happen. Obviously, years of technological advancement has made the technique a bit more seamless than before, but it’s not the only film to pull it off. The whole thing looks fine as a result. The animation is pretty smooth, the voice acting is true to the characters, and Michael Jordan… well, he’s Michael Jordan and he does Michael Jordan better than anyone else… even Michael Jordan.

Space Jam turned out to be a pretty enjoyable film and Bill Murray even shows up to share some of his comedic magic… because you sure as shit ain’t gettin’ it from ol’ MJ. Still, fun for the whole family and all that. Well worth a revisit these days.

Rollerball is a remake of an old 1975 film starring James Caan. I wasn’t remotely aware of that until I came across a VHS copy of the film at a video shop somewhere. While I never saw that original film, I have – unfortunately – seen this remake.

There’s no way ’round this. This movie absolutely sucks.

It’s an EXTREME sports movie involving a variation of roller derby (you know, that sport that airs on the ol’ NASHVILLE NETWORK) and a ball. I generally don’t care for these sorts of films, which makes you wonder why I’d even watch the damn thing, let alone review it. But even if I’m not interested in the sport, I can get into a sports movie if it’s compelling enough. I enjoy good stories more than anything. I get none of that here.

The acting is absolutely abysmal. Like the cast seems to be phoning it in and are just there to collect a paycheque. I suppose I can’t blame them if they had a shit script to work with. Let me put it to you another way. The two best actors in this entire film was Shane McMahon in a two second silent cameo and also Paul Heyman, who plays the bombastic announcer. Those are your best actors in this film and one of them is barely there for a cup of coffee. I sat through this whole movie for THOSE two. Something is seriously wrong here.

Visually, this looks like a mess. There’s nothing visually appealing here – even the token post- apocalyptic features have some reasonable visuals. More emphasis is spent on close-ups and horrible acting than on the sport itself. In fact, the pacing is so bad that I often lose track of what’s going on, but I’m too scared to go back and rewatch because that means subjecting myself to this horrible mess. This is just really ugly. An eyesore to say the least… especially in regards to those HORRENDOUS night vision sequences. It seems like the longer I watch this, with each passing moment in time, I can somehow feel my soul wither away as I attempt to follow the excruciatingly awful storyline.

Rollerball was a dreadful film to sit through. I need to stop watching movies based on the fact that people I know from other properties will appear in them, especially if those movies are going to suck the proverbial meat missile. Avoid at all costs.