Category: Star Trek Musings

Star Trek: The Motion Picture In 5 Seconds

In the grand tradition of Five Second Movies that don’t actually last five seconds… cooked this one up around April 2009, but never bothered to look at it until now.

Truth be told, this one’s not entirely accurate. There’s not one single overdramatized beauty shot of the Enterprise to be found here.

COMIC REVIEW – Star Trek: The Next Generation (DC Comics, 1988 Miniseries)

Star Trek: The Next Generation debuted in 1987 and became a surprise hit. DC Comics, at the time producing a successful enough Star Trek comic book, would eventually produce a miniseries based on the new show lasting six issues. Naturally, the miniseries is non-canon to the larger Trek canon, so put down your phaser canons because this thing is BONKERS.

The Enterprise crew get into the Christmas spirit or something and they meet Santa Claus. There’s a three-issue arc featuring Q as an absolute madman, which may or may not be far off from the actual character; who the fuck knows. Honestly, I feel like whoever wrote that second season of Picard read this thing and made old Q seem like this Q… almost. Fundamentally, the comic takes a lot of liberties with the source material and I’m not quite how much material they had to work with when they put this series together. But reading this stuff now and knowing how the series (as well as the franchise as a whole) would turn out afterwards, this feels like some whacked-out fanfiction written by someone who has no idea what they’re doing. And I’m not faulting Mike Carlin on this one; it’s entirely possible he had little to work with and thus needed to fill the blanks.

I’ll give him this much; I was thoroughly entertained throughout. This, along with the artwork making all the characters appear buffer and more seemingly well-built with Herculean physiques – they had spandex spacesuits at the time, so I’m sure the art direction was a Rodenberry wet dream. But listen, you can debate the continuity snags (Stardates has you assuming this takes place in the second season, but it’s clearly based on the first since Riker has no beard and Tasha is still alive) and some of the minor nitpicks, but the one thing you can’t accuse this of is boring. For six issues, you’re getting some of the more wacky takes on Star Trek that you’re gonna get, almost right up there with the old Gold Key stuff from back in the days. Don’t come into this with high expectations and you’re going to enjoy this one immensely. Highly recommended for the lulz.

How Far Has Trek Gone…?

I’m looking at the front page of the TrekWeb website and what notable news stories am I reading today? Fan production New Voyages changing its name to Phase II, after the aborted Trek series that eventually became The Motion Picture. An interview for one of the writers of Operation: Beta Shield, another fan film. Alumni Trek actors talking about past days.

Has the franchise gotten to a point where it’s considered news when somebody pisses the words Star Trek on a field of snow? Maybe I should try that right now. Get ready for that to make headline news.

Disclaimer: I didn’t actually go out and piss the words Star Trek out in a field of snow. If I’m going to be doing any pissing, it’ll be in a toilet within the comforts of my nice, warm home. Thanks.

Boycotting The New Trek

For the past couple of weeks, Montreal was hit with a couple of snowstorms and we’ve amassed a total of about 80 centimeters worth thus far. Last year, we didn’t even have one millimeter’s worth of snow until early-January.

I’d like to find the people who wished for a White Christmas and shoot them with my Zapper, since I have no other use for it these days.

On the flip side, it seems like the bad weather has presented me with an epiphany. One that spells boycott.

Yes, folks. I’ve seen the light and after reading the latest article reporting that a certain actor still hasn’t been signed on, I feel I should make my true feelings heard.

How dare they leave out Greg Grumberg! Abrams is NOTHING without this man! I will boycott this movie until Grumberg is in the movie even as a worthless cameo of when Kirk is watching an episode of Alias or Felicity on his new Starfleet TV. Bring back Grumberg – he IS Abrams’ career!

Oh… you were thinking of Shatner? Fuck him.

An “Open” Letter To Mr. Shat(ner)

The following letter is not an open letter, but the approximation of what would be written in an open letter to Mr. Shatner should I feel compelled to do so. It does however reflect my own opinion of the whole Shatner/Star Trek XI affair.

Dear Mr. Shatner,

Word has it that you will not be in the new Star Trek movie and that you have decided to let people know about it, expressing your opinion about how it is a foolish move not to have you in it. I suppose in your mind it’s not fair, considering your old buddy Leonard Nimoy was convinced to return to acting to play the role of “Old Spock” in said movie developed by that guy who did Felicity, Alias, Lost, and some other fine shows. I suppose in your mind, it could be unjust that since you were involved in the “second” birth of Star Trek (I don’t see Jeffrey Hunter rising from the grave complaining about how HE’S not digitally recreated for the new movie since he was involved in the “first” birth of Star Trek) you should involved in the rebirth. Fortunately, Mr. Shatner, I have some soothing words to calm your nerves.

Please shut the fuck up. Pretty please.

So you’re not in the new movie. Big deal. You apparently never made a big deal of not appearing in the Next Generation show despite your best friend Leonard Nimoy appearing in two episodes. You didn’t complain about not being featured in Deep Space Nine (even though you were featured in stock footage) or Voyager. And the last time I checked, you were holding out on a possible cameo for the last Trek venture, Enterprise. And now all of a sudden, you want to be featured in Trek again.

Fuck you, Shatner.

Do yourself a favor, Billy. Just forget about showing up in Star Trek XI. It’s not going to happen and all your moaning and bitching is doing more to make you look like an egotistical asshole than it is to get you into the movie. All this bullshit you’re spewing isn’t making me feel sorry for you – it makes me nauseous. If anything, it makes me feel sorry for all the other fools who buy into your shameful bitching. I mean, I don’t see George Takei complaining about not being involved in the new Trek… he had his share with New Voyages. Same goes for Walter Koenig… and Nichelle Nichols whose name I probably misspelled and for that I apologize in advance if I did, madam. Regardless, they’re not complaining about not being in the movie. In fact, they support the movie and the actors who are playing the roles they once held. Why can’t you?

Just forget about Star Trek. Just stick with your horseback ridings. Stick with Boston Legal. Stick with writing crappy Starfleet Academy novels. Just forget the movie. If you’re lucky and you’re alive when casting for Star Trek 24: The Voyage To The Home comes around, I’m sure they’ll give you a call.

In your own immortal words, Bill… GET A LIFE! FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, IT’S JUST A MOVIE!

Thanks for listening. Good night.

Sincerely yours,
DTM

Oh Shat(ner)

Apparently the campaign to get Shatner on Abrams’ Trek flick continue as the former “Kirk” is whoring himself out in an attempt to get someone to convince Abrams to stick the Shat in there. And… the talks over at Trekweb are amusing as hell, with the Shat-fans saying that Nimoy betrayed his best friend or some other bullshit…

Doesn’t Shatner already have a TV show he’s doing right now? Shouldn’t he just stick with that? His days as Kirk are long gone and no amount of makeup or toupees is going to bring him back to form just for a useless cameo. Would it be cool to see Kirk back in action? Sure… when a younger guy plays him. If Shatner doesn’t fit into the equation, there should be no reason why he ought to.

Maybe it’s because I was born in the eighties when Trek movies were starting to come out, so I don’t have the same time of love for Kirk. Yes, I do believe he defined Trek. He’s a cultural icon that Shatner has molded into his own. That much cannot be taken away. However, the man is way past his prime as far as that role goes and it’s time for the mantle to be assumed by someone else.

Would it be nice to see Shatner in a Trek movie?

Sure… as the Enterprise chef.