Author: dtm666

I ramble about things.

MOVIE REVIEW – Gigli (2003)

“Ever wonder how Uwe Boll feels when people crap on his video game movies without ever having watched them? He should try and sit through the J’Lo/Affleck mess called Gigli.

“I rented this movie once, hearing all the bad rap. Then I popped it in. Five minutes into the movie, I rewind the tape and brought it back to the video store. Five minutes into a movie and I hated it… what does that tell you about the rest of the movie?

“As years went on and I grew more of a spine, I eventually decided to sit through the entire movie… and after that, arranged for an immediate lobotomy so that I can purge all memory of this drivel.”

That’s how I started my imdb review posting back in October 2003… the movie came out in August… how could I have rented the video? Through the magic of instant cassettes… or a bootleg copy that I saw at a friend’s house. And yes, after watching more of this garbage, I certainly FELT like I’ve aged years. However, the last paragraph in that review holds very true.

“Gigli is pure garbage. There is not ONE single, solitary positive aspect to be found anywhere within this picture. There is not ONE aspect that can deem Gigli one of those “so bad it’s good” films that I’ll find enjoyment out of. If there is any high point to be found, it was ultimately sucked into the black hole of ineptitude that is Gigli, a film with an unlikable cast of “characters” or lack thereof, a convoluted storyline, terrible pacing, and an utter lack of chemistry among any of the cast. It’s just a mess of a motion picture that somehow got approved and shipped out for public consumption, reaffirming my lack of faith in humanity.”

I know what you’re asking. “Ah, Dave. Aren’t you being overly dramatic? It’s just a rom-com.”

Oh, you poor bastards. I’m not being OVERLY dramatic… if anything, I’m being OVERLY nice.

Gigli plays out like a shitty parody of a mobster movie. Ben Affleck has been in better stuff, he has done better performances, and this is neither. The same can be said for Jennifer Lopez or anyone else in this film. Was this a vanity project for the Bennifer couple or just something everyone was doing for the money and they weren’t even going to try. You can try and convince me of one or the other, but there’s no reason to believe that BOTH can’t be true at once.

There is no reason to watch Gigli. If you’re one of the many who skipped on this movie when it came out, continue to do so. And if anyone suggests that you need to watch this movie as a rite of passage, disown them. They don’t deserve to be part of your life… or any realm of existence for that matter.

Fuck this movie.

DVD Review – Power Rangers Fox Double Feature Set (2001)

One of my first DVD purchases was this Power Rangers Fox Double Feature, which collects the two movies; Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie from 1995 and Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie from 1997. Released as a double-sided DVD, both films include subtitles, a theatrical trailer, and a short behind the scenes video originally seen on older Fox VHS tapes. This DVD was released in 2001 and was the only semblance of Power Rangers on DVD until that Best Of compilation that was released a couple years after.

THE GOOD: You’re getting the two Power Rangers movies for the price of one, which is a pretty sweet deal from the get-go. And depending on your point of view, the films either held up extremely well or they were never good to begin with. The picture quality, for the most part, is pretty good and are presented in widescreen, which may or may not be a good thing depending on your point of view.

THE BAD: It’s a single, double-sided disc, which means you need to flip the disc in order to watch the desired film. I’ve always hated this idea because while it is cheap, it just means both sides are susceptible to scratching and easy damage. Not surprisingly, both movies skimp on extras, with only one theatrical trailer and a short making of vignette for each film. Quite disappointing since both had longer BTS specials that would’ve been a cool bonus. There’s also some weird cropping issues where there’s significantly less picture than the VHS releases, which seems odd. Oh, and the first movie is missing “Mighty Morphin” from its title, implying a UK cut or something to that extent.

OVERALL: It doesn’t take much to see that this is a pretty lazy package that’s assembled here with little care put to the final product. Still, both movies on DVD is still a pretty sweet deal, but here’s hoping that somewhere down the line, these films will either get individual releases or possibly released as a two-disc set, which would be preferable.

REVISITING… The Super Mario Bros. Super Show

Contrary to what many claim, Mario’s first initial cartoon appearance was NOT the Super Mario Bros. Super Show. Rather, it was in an obscure Donkey Kong cartoon that aired as part of Saturday Supercade during the early-1980s, before Nintendo rose into prominence. You wouldn’t have noticed, because in that cartoon, Mario was a generic guy who pursued the big dumb ape. But that’s irrelevant, because before 85, Mario wasn’t a big deal. After ’85, he practically salvaged the video gaming industry and got a cartoon out of it.

Every Mario cartoon had the same basic plot; evil King Koopa (Bowser, although he never goes by that name in the cartoon) wrecks havoc in various worlds of the Mushroom Kingdom and it’s up to Mario, faithful brother Luigi, loyal Mushroom Retainer Toad, and the Princess (when she isn’t kidnapped) to spoil his nefarious plans. Rinse, lather, and repeat.

Odd thing was that this had more in common with Super Mario Bros. 2 (Mario USA to Japanese folk – the less said, the better) than it did the original game, but I’m not complaining.

The way I see it, the cartoon (and even the Captain Lou Albano live skits) was what truly defined Mario as an Italian plumber from Brooklyn who enjoyed eating pasta rather than this fat plumber who ate mushrooms, something that the games depicted. The cartoon stayed true to the original games, as opposed to the later movie which was a bastardization of what was good and wholesome. The stories are rather cheesy, crude, and cheap parodies of certain series and movies, but who cares? They were fun and back then, that’s all you really needed.

The animation was decent for its time. You have some minor technical errors here and there (sometimes Mario would be speaking with Luigi’s voice, or his hat would be the wrong color), but these things happens in all the old cartoons (see the old Ninja Turtles as a good example – yes, you know who you are!) The voices were pretty good; nothing great, but alright nonetheless. Characterizations were pretty good (even though it’s based off a video game and you actually had no frame of reference as far as characterization goes).

Of course, the cartoon is only part of the show. Bookending the cartoon are live-action skits featuring Captain Lou as Mario and this other guy as Luigi, in their Brooklyn basement, where they have to deal with these guest stars’ problems. I’m not just talking nameless hacks looking for a quick buck, but actual stars whom were popular at the time. Like the cartoons, the skits were cheesy but fun. And it’s always a welcome sight to see Captain Lou make an idiot out of himself by doing the Mario. (Now, if the REAL Mario were to have done that in any of the modern Mario games, it would have actually prompted me to buy a modern Nintendo system.)

Every Friday, they’d throw in a little Zelda cartoon. Back then, when I first saw them, I never touched the original game, but still enjoyed them nonetheless… although these days, hearing Link whine “Excuse Me, Princess” every fifth minute irritates me to no end.

After some time, the Super Mario Bros. Super Show changed its format and became Club Mario. While you had the same IL’ good cartoons, instead of live Mario and Luigi, you had two ‘hip’ guys in a messed-up apartment with lots of stuff that boggles the mind. Every once in a while, they have actual ‘storylines’ such as one guy’s evil twin trying to take over the show. Sometimes, I wish good IL’ Koopa showed up during the Mario Bros’ off-day and took over the show so he could cancel it, because even back then, it was bad.

Even today, it’s still a good wholesome cartoon that’s good for a few laughs and maybe can be genuinely enjoyed. I think you can find them on Yahoo somewhere, who airs the shows online. Check ’em out if you have the chance.

Is Dino Thunder An Apology For Ninja Storm?

I woke up one morning and waited in anticipation of Ninja Storm, the newest incarnation of Power Rangers and the first one under the belt of Village Roadshow productions. The usual questions comes up, the usual spoiler info is leaked, but all in all, that wouldn’t stop me from having high hopes for this thing.

At eleven thirty, the show begins and I watch with an interested eye.

An hour later, I’m asking myself what the fuck that was.

After about ten episodes of Ninja Storm, I completely shut out on the show. I’ve glanced on a couple of eps late in the series and the quality seemed to have improved somewhat, but not enough for me to stick with it.

For the first time since following the Power Rangers franchise in the very beginning, I’ve turned away from the show, not watching a majority of the episodes and quite frankly not caring. Didn’t even stick around for the finale. That had the makings of being a shitty product in comparison to those before and after. Yes, this show sucked more than Turbo and I’ve seen enough Turbo to know it.

I don’t blame the actors; they played their roles well considering what they had to work with.

I don’t blame the Jap footage; it’s blends nicely with the U.S. footage, even moreso than Wild Force.

I blame it on crappy writing.

It’s a kid show; I know that. On the other hand, you watch some other kids shows and realize that there’s more sophistication than what Ninja Storm had to offer. When an episode of a cheap-ass cartoon such as Superfriends is more sophisticated and provides more entertainment than Ninja Storm, you know something is wrong.

Apparently, Doug saw something wrong and decided to fix it.

DinoThunder seems to be Doug Sloan’s way of apologizing for the crapfest that is Ninja Storm. From the initial episodes, the show looks very promising. The addition of Jason Frank (who reprises his role as Doctor Tommy… how did that happen?) is an interesting move and the current cast of Rangers seem watchable and bearable.

Apology accepted, Doug. Don’t fuck THIS show up.

Classic Bite Commentary #46 – January 13th, 2004

Another year, another Bite commentary, more headaches for all those involve; me and my two middle fingers that do all the typing in order to resume my projects after a 2-week hiatus that involved playing my new Final Fantasy Origins game and keeping my new Klingon action figure company. Brace yourselves; this will be a long pisser tonight. (2013 Dave Says: No, it won’t.)

Continue reading “Classic Bite Commentary #46 – January 13th, 2004”

Classic Bite Commentary #45 – December 23th, 2003

First off, a Happy Holidays to all. Enjoy your two-weeks of days offs, losers. I know I will. heh heh heh. The actual commentary today will be short; instead what’s beefing this thing up are all the extra stuff that precede it.

Continue reading “Classic Bite Commentary #45 – December 23th, 2003”

Power Rangers Zeo: Shadow Of The Dragon – PART 2

Originally Published on FF.Net: November 2003 to May 2004

Made some minor edits to the text. Seemed long overdue, I suppose. Also, I noticed that most of my text breaks in the FF.Net postings have been removed. Thanks, FF.Net, for screwing that up for me. Idiots. Oh well…

Disclaimer: The author would like to clarify that Power Rangers and its characters is owned by Saban Brands and not the author.

Continue reading “Power Rangers Zeo: Shadow Of The Dragon – PART 2”