Last count, I only have this one WCW show left to go from the year 2000… and well, if the banner doesn’t give clear indication as to what I think about this show, then I don’t know what to tell you.
For the record, this is not the PPV headlined by WCW World Heavyweight Champion David Arquette – that is the Slamboree PPV from the month prior and I’ve written my thoughts on that show a long ass time ago. And for what it’s worth, I didn’t totally hate that show. I do, however, hate this show.
It says so on the banner… so it must be true.
Cruiserweight Champion Chavo Guerrero Lieutenant Loco of the Misfits In Action led by one General Hugh G. Rection (har har) defeated Disco Inferno to retain the title. Match lasted about four minutes, run-ins from the Misfits and Rey’s crew of filthy animals (I think that’s what they were called – can’t be bothered to check again.) Chavo and Disco could have done a decent little match, but instead we get this. Not great…
Kronik (Adams and Clarke) defeated The Mamalukes (Big Vito and Johnny The Bull) to earn a future title match… so wait, which ones are the Millionaires and which ones are New Blood? They’ve already lost me here… listen, I’ll say something remotely nice here; this was alright, but purely in the sense of watching two big fuckers beating the fuck out of the two Italian guys. I’ll accept this as my guilty pleasure… unfortunately, I’m going to forget about this match fairly quickly because the rest of this show is the absolute drizzling shits, but for a brief moment, I liked something on this show.
Turns out it would be the last time I’d like something on this particular program.
Mike Awesome defeated Diamond Dallas Page in an ambulance match after Chris Kanyon – who took a fall off a cage last month in the same arena that Owen Hart fell to his death – popped out of his wheelchair to turn on DDP in a move that Stevie Wonder saw coming. I mean… who the fuck considers this good storytelling? Oh, boy, DDP got betrayed by his best friend, bro! NOBODY SAW IT COMING, BRO… except for the time when Kimberly turned on DDP at Spring Stampede… and then a month later, David Arquette turned on DDP at Slamboree… and now we got Kanyon… are we trying to make DDP look like the single stupidest babyface in the history of the world? Are we trying to make him dumber than Sting at this point? Because if so, then congratulations! You may have pulled it off.
Dude… everyone saw this Kanyon turn coming. No shit he was going to turn on DDP. Everyone else was turning on DDP. Is DDP such a bad guy? Is this why he went crazy and started going after Taker’s (now former) wife in WWF? Am I putting too much thought into it? Probably… you know who could’ve put more thought into this? The nimrods writing this show so that it’d actually make a lick of fucking sense and not make your characters look stupid. I am watching this shit for the first time in years and HOLY FUCK! THIS FUCKING SHOW SUCKS! IT FUCKING SUCKS! I HATE IT! I WANT IT TO FUCKING DIE!
And we still have two more hours of this shit.
G.I. Bro (a.k.a. Booker T in combat fatigues and camo face paint… yes, I’m serious) defeated Stan Stasiak in a Boot Camp match, which is code for Last Man Standing. I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention Booker repelling from the rafters, which is something, I suppose. By the way, Stasiak is one half of the World Tag Team Champions with Chuck Palumbo, who also interferes in this match… and they couldn’t beat this G.I. Bro fellow… those guys came off as the biggest geeks in the universe. Russo likes to complain about wrestlers looking like his next door neighbor nowadays, but I can guarantee you that his next door neighbor has a better booker than Russo behind him.
Why am I watching this shit, again?
Shane Douglas defeats the Wall in a Tables match… but not just any Tables match, but whoever puts their opponent through a number of tables wins. And sure enough, the match ends on the stage where Shane punches Wall with some brass knucks and poor Wall falls through a bunch of tables to win. A complete waste of fucking time, this was.
The match that is booked as an “Asylum” match (this meaning a cage match and not anything to do with the mockbuster studio) between Scott Steiner and Tank Abbott is rebooked into a handicap match, with Rick Steiner joining Tank Abbott against his brother Scott… which means nothing because Scott submits Tank with a chinlock about a minute in. Fuck this company.
Hulk Hogan defeated Billy Kidman to end that thrilling feud. For anyone who gives a shit, this stemmed from an interview Hogan did where he commented about Kidman’s inability to draw a crowd at a flea market… and to prove his point, he’d be in a feud with Kidman where he mostly beats the shit out of this poor kid(man) and while Kidman may have pinned Hogan once or twice, at no point did he look like a big deal or anything. Hogan treated this poor bastard like a total enhancement talent. I’m not going to call Kidman a jobber because even a jobber got a better rub than what Kidman got here. Hogan was having none of this putting the young guy over bullshit. He was gonna get his shit in and he was gonna get his win because that worked for him, brother.
By the way, this was a number one’s contender match, which meant that Hogan would challenging for the World title at Bash At The Beach? And let’s set aside for the moment what ended up happening and let’s pretend I’m writing this musings shortly after this PPV took place in the year 2000 so I can properly convey what I got out of this match.
It’s the realization that it’s Hulk Hogan getting another World title match. More than likely, Hulk Hogan is going to be winning that World title. This is supposed to be a brand new era in WCW. The end of the good ol’ boys politics and the old timers dominating all the top spots… and here we are with HULK HOGAN – a man that people were sick and tired of seeing hogging the main event spotlight in WCW – now in contention for the World title and there is a very good chance he’s going to win that belt and it’ll be the same old shit all over again.
So not only do we have the worse of Russo’s tendencies unhinged on screen, but we’re going back to the thing that drew people away from WCW in the first place. Hogan isn’t going to do shit in the ratings. Hogan is old news. Nobody gives a fuck about Hogan. Nobody wants to see Hogan in the main event. This is supposed to be all about the young guys and pushing aside the older talent and we’re teasing the possibility of HULK HOGAN getting his spot back and using his creative control card to stick with shit that works for him, brother. The sad thing is that had we not gotten the reboot when we did, there’d be a very good chance that Hogan would be WCW Champion right now and everything would still be fucking shit. FUCK THIS SHOW! I WANT THIS SHOW TO FUCKING DIE YESTERDAY!
So… now that we got that out of the way… we all know what happened at Bash At The Beach… again, I’ve touched on that show ages ago and I have no desire to watch it again. After that show, Hogan would never been seen in WCW again and the only other time he’d show up on a major wrestling show was when he made his return to WWF in 2002 as part of the nWo, where he was welcomed back with open arms. And you know what? I’m not a heartless bastard; seeing Hogan back in WWF and getting the hero’s welcome those first few months was a wholesome moment and for all the shit that I’ve given Hogan over the years, he deserved that standing ovation he got in Montreal. That had to have made him feel better about himself after years of baggage.
But backtracking to this point in time, the idea of Hogan getting yet another main event run in what is supposed to be a “brand new era” and thus turning out to be the same old shit over and over and over again… yeah, this was doing me no favors, whatsoever.
And yet… there is still some show left to go. Why am I watching this shit again? I keep asking myself that question and still, I have no answer.
Ric Flair defeated David Flair in another dysfunctional family match that Russo likes to book all that often. Speaking of which, he shows up to get lowblowed by Reid (RIP) and cuffed by Ashley (the future Charlotte Flair) while Ric Flair treats David like a broomstick and wrestles him to a marginally watchable match. For anyone wondering, Russo gets his win back eventually… not that it matters because this show fucking sucks.
Vampiro defeated Sting in a Human Torch match… yes, this is the infamous match where both Sting and Vampire brawl for a bit before they climb up a tall structure while the lighting starts going nuts – presumably someone forgot to pay the electric bill – and then Vampiro light some stuntman on fire, who promptly takes a fall off to the stage below. And then we’re supposed to take this shit serious as though Sting (or rather, his stuntman) may have suffered a grave injury.
I’d like to remind you folks that this is a year removed from the death of Owen Hart, who died while falling from a rafters in a stunt gone wrong… and we’re also a month removed from the last PPV where Kanyon took a fall off a cage onto a stage below in the very same arena where Owen fell to his death. On that count, this could be seen as somewhat insensitive and potentially tonedeaf… but on the other hand, this whole affair comes across as so fucking hokey and ridiculous that any attempts to treat this “as real as can be” and as “not part of the regular entertainment” is hysterical. I was laughing at this whole thing taking place. And this is coming from the same guy who accuses wrestling fans of thinking this shit is real. At what point am I supposed to think that any of this garbage you shoot out is “real?” Even the shit you try to pass off as “reality-based” comes across as phoney and fake. It’s even faker than the usual fake wrestling stuff, as you call it.
And then there was the main event… the main event match sees reigning WCW World Heavyweight Champion Jeff Jarrett (already a FOUR-TIME Champion at this point and he first won the title back in fucking APRIL) defending his title against Kevin Nash… oh goodie, another old-timer in the main event… BRAND NEW ERA, EVERYBODY!
So this match lasts a little over fifteen minutes, there’s a bunch of run-ins here and there, I’m slowing falling asleep while the crowd is chanting for Goldberg and sure enough, out comes Goldberg to a hero’s welcome and… then he spears Kevin Nash, allowing Jarrett to pin Nash to retain the title. Yes, this is the infamous Goldberg heel turn… although to be fair, another way of seeing this is Goldberg paying Nash back for screwing him out of the title back in Starrcade, so in that sense, one could see this as less of a heel turn and more of a long-overdue receipt. One of the announcers claimed that Goldberg going New Blood was something NOBODY saw coming… except for one guy who had a “GOLDBERG IS NEW BLOOD” sign in the crowd, so clearly, that’s bullshit.
Again, this isn’t a surprise. Anyone with a functioning brain who followed this show SINCE DAY ONE, BRO! saw this coming. That’s the thing with Russo; if something seems obvious, go the other way because nobody will see it coming. The problem is that whenever something seems obvious, it’s usually because it makes the most sense. And when you go the other way, it makes no sense and at no point does he even TRY to make it make sense. There are very few times when the SWERVE actually felt like a SWERVE; all the other times… not so much. In fact, when it came to Russorific storytelling, the only true swerve that nobody could see coming is when there is no swerve at all… because that would be the ultimate swerve of all.
So, um… yeah… I had quite a bit to say about this show… but to be fair, I gave you the TL:DR version in the fucking banner, so if you made it this far and started to regret it, that’s on you. Just like it was on me to go back and watch this fucking atrocious PPV… but hey, you know what? That’s the last one. No more WCW 2000 PPVs left to watch. I’ve done them all and now I can leave this miserable era behind once and for…
Wait… what’s that?
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN I DIDN’T DO MAYHEM?!
…
Well, fuck that noise.
Next week, I’m going back to TNA.
dtm666 