Never has a WWE B-Show PPV felt more depressing and more worthless than this year’s edition of Judgment Day. I know I tend to crap on their previous efforts in recent years, but at least they have some semblance of redeeming value. This show… it just touches me the wrong way… okay, that didn’t come out right. Let’s just get to the predictions and ranting before I lose my mind.
Note: Quickly updated to include results
Carlito versus Ric Flair
Carlito finally snaps and gets to fight the Nature Boy. Whoo-hoo, this is exactly what the world needed: another match between Carlito and Ric Flair. Difference between now and then was at least back then it was for a title. Don’t remember which title it was (chances are neither does Creative), but at least it meant more than the tipid reasoning of earning respect. You would think that two guys would just feud simply because they hate each other; that would have sold just fine. But no, we have to have some stupid motivation that has been played out for years. Please give me a little more bang for my buck.
Pick: Carlito
Winner: Ric Flair (0-1)
Shawn Michaels vs. Randy Orton
Speaking of rehashes, here’s another match we’ve already seen done to death already without adding anything new to the mix other than the fact that Orton is now the Hotel-Room Killer and Whining Bitch Boy. Hey, I’ve got an idea: let’s book these guys in a Suicide match, where the first man to get the gun hanging from a pole has to shoot himself and put us out of our misery. You can smell the ratings as one tired WWE Superstar gets put out of our misery. But I digress. Let’s give Shawn the duke, because everyone knows Orton’s days as a credible star are numbered if they aren’t already.
Pick: Shawn
Winner: Randy. (0-2)
Elijah Burke vs. CM Punk
The only pure ECW feud on the card – and it’s not really saying much because almost ZERO effort has been put into pushing this feud. Most of the ECW show’s airtime is dedicated to the endless shit feud that is McMahon/Lashley (and I’ve got lots to say on that later). In any event, it should be an interesting match that will hopefully produce something good. Although I haven’t seen much of ECW lately (and what I have seen isn’t enough to impress), I’ve heard good things about Burke and Punk, so there might be some hope. Punk wins it.
Pick: CM Punk
Winner: CM Punk (1-2)
Two-Out-Of-Three-Falls for the United States Championship
Chris Benoit (champion) vs. Montel Vontavious Porter
I swear to God… every time I type out Porter’s name, I usually double check to see if I got it right the first time. Somehow I always do… and if a guy like me can do it on a regular, then WHY CAN’T THE FUCKWADS AT WWE.COM DO THE SAME THING? Anyway, it’s yet another encounter between Porter and Benoit and maybe the third time’ll be the charm. I don’t know about you, but there’s always this feeling that Porter might take it, but they keep holding back. This is his night; they can’t make him lose to Benoit forever.
Pick: Montel Vontavious Porter
Winner: Montel Vontavious Porter (2-2)
WWE World Heavyweight Championship
Edge (champion) vs. Batista
I don’t believe it’d be a smart thing to drop the belt to Batista just barely a week after Edge won it, but I guess that’s why I’m not part of WWE Creative… nor would I want to be. So let’s give the duke to Edge.
Pick: Edge
Winner: Edge (3-2)
Three-On-One Handicap match for the ECW Championship
Bobby Lashley vs. Vince McMahon (champion), Shane McMahon, and Umaga
Bobby takes the win and the Replica belt back. That’s all I’m going to say here because the next match has me saying a heck of a lot more on Tuesday’s Bite.
Pick: Bobby Lashley
Winner: Bobby Lashley pins Shane, but doesn’t win the ECW World title. (4-2)
World Wrestling Entertainment Championship
John Worthless (champion *sigh*) vs. The Great Khali
“Oh no, it’s the Great Khali. John Cena’s reign as champion could be in jeopardy!” If anyone actually believes that John Cena would actually LOSE this match, then you are certifiably an idiot. Let’s face it: Cena is Vince’s Golden Boy and is going to win matches in the most unbelievable matches you’ll ever see. And by unbelievable, I do indeed mean NOT BELIEVABLE. Cena’s built, but the guy’s a fucking stringpea with a moveset that’s almost embarrassingly pathetic. Heck, even I have a better moveset than he does and I don’t do a good heck of a lot.
Pick: John Cena
Winner: “Few thought he could do it, but somehow, John Cena overcame the odds at Judgment Day. In a scenario reminiscent of the biblical battle of David vs. Goliath, Cena made The Great Khali tap out for the first time ever; as a result, The Champ is still Queer.” Apparently, WWE.com is run by idiots. (5-2)
That’s it for this PPV. Later.
dtm666 