One thing I want to comment on before getting on the predictions is the way WWE handles its various websites. Now I understand the need for uniformity within the web structure, as most of the previous Webstation designs were geared towards a single layout, but when it comes to promoting major events such as a new PPV or spotlighting a major WWE superstar, you would think that something a little extra would be done to emphasise the importance of a talent or event. It wasn’t more than a couple years ago when Wrestlemania had its own website with its own design independent from the rest.
Now the WWF/WCW/ECW Invasion of 2001 is something I’m sure every wrestling fan or fanatic would like to forget about, but when the websites for WCW and ECW were created, they had a different design from the old WWF website. It was as if the companies were separate from the WWF (even though they owned one and were paying off debts for the other one). Compare it with the web design of the current ECW.com, which is similar in layout to the rest of the WWE site. It’s as if all creativity was thrown down the shitter when they got their legal asses kicked by the Panda people.
But I digress. We’re not here to talk about websites; we’re here to talk Wrestlemania 23. So let’s do this thing.
To celebrate the 20th anniversary of arguably the most famous wrestling event to ever take place, Wrestlemania 3, WWE has decided to make sure that this show is completely Hogan-free. Hell, I’m happy already. But to celebrate the event, they’re bringing back Aretha Franklin to sing America The Beautiful (just like she did in ‘Mania 3).
United States Championship
CHRIS BENOIT (champion) VS. MONTEL VONTAVIOUS PORTER
Let’s not twist any strings around and get straight to the meat of the matter: Benoit loses his third ‘Mania match in a row… all for the sake of putting over the wannabe Power Ranger. The most amazing thing is that I could actually spell out the guy’s full name without having to look it up. How the heck did that happen?
Pick: Mortimer Vontavious Power Ranger.
KANE VS. THE GREAT KHALI
Sweet Merciful Crap On A Stick! Nice knowing you, Kane.
Pick: Khali
Lumber-Jill-Ass Match for the WWE Women’s Championship
MELINA THE TRAMP (champion) VS. ASHLEY THE TRANNY
Fuck this match… no, really. It’s not even remotely agonizing myself to consider this a Wrestlemania-Quality match.
Pick: Who cares? The Tranny
ECW ORIGINALS (Rob Van Dam, Tommy Dreamer, Sandman, ???) vs. ECW NEW BREED (Thorn, Monty Brown Cor Von, Burke, Mike Striker)
Vince hates old ECW and wants to distance this piece-of-shit ECW from that old incarnation. That one phrase alone ought to tell you who wins this match. The good news is that the feud won’t last that long… probably by the time the ECW experiment is killed off for good in a few months.
Pick: ECW New Bread… er, Breed
BATTLE OF THE IDIOT BILLIONAIRES: LOSER GETS HIS HEAD SHAVED
BOBBY LASHLEY (Fake ECW World Champ – representing Donald Trump) vs. UMAGA (Intercontinental Champ – representing Vince McMahon)
The match of the century? Yeah, that’s a good sell. Representing Donald Trump, Black Lesnar. Representing Vince McMahon, the Shriveled-Up Monkey Penis. Anyone who truly believes Lashley will lose is an idiot. Anyone who actually believes Trump will be shaved bald is an even bigger idiot. I mean, come on; Wil Wheaton is betting against McMahon. And when Wesley Fucking Crusher is betting against you, you really have no chance… no chance in hell… enough.
And the truly sad part is that Vince isn’t even a certified billionaire. So the title is misleading. Whatever.
Pick: Bobby Lashley – representing Donald Trump.
MONEY-IN-THE-BANK LADDER MATCH featuring eight guys who don’t matter. Hey, might as well tell it like it is.
Nonetheless, the match should be fairly enjoyable or at least watchable. Hopefully, the quality will match that of the original MITB match and not its sequel. My pick for this one will be completely random, as I really can’t say I have much of an investment with any of these guys. So let’s go with Punk.
Pick: CM Punk
World Wrestling Entertainment Championship
JOHN CENA (champion) VS. SHAWN MICHAELS
As if there’s any doubt who’s going to win this one… the only purpose Shawn Michaels has in this match is to make the champ look good. Nothing more, nothing less. Cena is going to win because there’s no point in betting against the champ… especially since he’s one of Vince’s pet projects. Which means that in any important big-time matches, Cena will overcome the odds even if common sense says he shouldn’t. But then this is WWE. Where anything retarded can and will happen.
Pick: John Cena
World Heavyweight Championship
BATISTA (champion) vs. UNDERTAKER
Okay, this is actually kind of an interesting match up, but it could really go both ways. On the one hand, Batista could very well be the one to end Taker’s legendary streak and get a boost for doing so. And even if it vilifies him, it’d still be a boost and the feud can actually extend farther with Taker wanting revenge for what was broken. On the other hand, the streak has been around for ages and considering WWE’s not wanting to pull any chances (sorry, but Vince potentially shaving his head is NOT taking a chance) and considering backstage opinion on Big Dave, Taker could very well be winning the title. Either way, it’ll be a decent feud made better if the streak were broken. I just don’t see it happening (especially after the last couple times I picked against him… never gonna happen).
Pick: Undertaker
That’s it for now.
Later.
dtm666 