Haven’t done one of these predictions in quite some time, so excuse me for dusting off the cobwebs. Anyway, you should know the drill by now: I list all the advertised matches and give my thoughts on who wins and what the actual match might entail. One look at the card, though, shows that they haven’t booked any of those god-awful Diva matches into the show, although heaven forbid if WWE doesn’t make us suffer from their apparent lack of skill.
The “We Know It’s Distasteful But Let’s Make More Money Off Eddie’s Name” Match
Chavo Guerrero vs. Rey Mysterio
This one’s easy. Barring all the external issues and taste management, Chavo should win the match because he hasn’t been losing any big matches as of late. Rey, on the other hand, is a former World Heavyweight Champion (Bwah hah hah!) who has LOST EVERY SINGLE NON-TITLE AFFAIR HE HAS WRESTLED IN! And the sad thing about it is that even after the fact, I still have a hard time taking his title reign seriously, which will mostly likely be forgotten a couple weeks later.
My Pick: Chavo Guerrero
Winner: Chavo Guerrero
Current Count: 1-0
Comments: Fairly good bout between the two wrestlers, but nothing we haven’t seen before between the two.
The “I Quit Match Between Two Old Farts” Match
Mick Foley vs. Ric Flair
It’s really sad two guys who were legends in their prime wrestle a match when they’re past their point of usefulness. Let’s face it: Ric Flair, as much of a great wrestler he still is today, looks like shit and is about to fall apart at any given moment. And Foley hasn’t wrestled a decent hardcore match since forever. My prediction is that the two guys beat the living crap out of each other for 20 minutes before both fall unconscious and need to be taken out by stretchers. But off the top of my mind, I’ll go with frickin’ Foley.
My Pick: Mick Foley
Winner: Ric Flair
Current Count: 1-1
Comments: A really brutal match that made the ECW Title bout (more on that later) look considerably tamer than what it already was. Flair taking the punishment that he did and the brutality of the whole deal makes the match fairly violent and gruesome… in a good way. Let’s hope these guys are alright, because they didn’t have to do this at this point in their careers.
The “Obligatory Hulkamania Runs Wild Again” Match
Hulk Hogan vs. Randy Orton
Hogan wins. Hogan always wins… No matter how hard you try to oppose him, HOGAN ALWAYS WINS!
My Pick: The Huckster
Winner: Hulk Hogan
Current Count: 2-1
Comments: Once again, lazy-ass Hogan gets the duke and another paycheck… never mind using his bum knee as an excuse for his apparent lack of effort. I would have been surprised if he had lost and made an actual effort in putting over a new guy, but no, we have to make the old fuck look good despite the fact he could hardly move anymore. And then people within the organization wonder why Austin doesn’t want anything to do with the Orange Goblin. On the other hand, it’s nice to know the match was only the third match on the card and not the main event or even the semi-main, because god knows we DON’T need another Hulk Hogan-suckfest to pollute the main event already being polluted by John Cena.
The “Screw Umaga! Where’s the Spirit Squad” Match
D-Generation X vs. The McMahons
DX has been around since… what, June? And while they have provided some amusing moments, the fact that they’re still feuding with Vince and Shane long past the day and age when that would have been a BIG deal. DX will take the duke and hopefully this sad tale of degenerates and cocks (the rooster, you pervert!) will end with this match.
My Pick: DX
Winner: DX
Current Count: 3-1
Comments: You’ve got Ken Kennedy, Fit Finlay, William Regal, Big Show, and Umaga as backup and you still can’t beat two guys. You suck. Other than that, it was your usual tag-team bout between main eventers.
ECW World Title Match
The Big Show (champion) vs. Sabu
Show has been a substandard champion and just about anyone makes for a better champion than he does – especially considering the “promotion” he is championing. That having been said, Show’s gotta take the duke here because we can’t have a “ECW champion of the month” thing going on here.
My Pick: Big Slow
Winner: Big Slow
Current Count: 4-1
Comments: It was a good little match; that much, I’ll admit. However, the “I Quit” match that followed suddenly made it a little more than a mid-card hardcore match on RAW or Smackdown. This is obviously not the effect WWE should be aiming for, especially if they want their third brand to be a success.
(Smackdown) WWE World Heavyweight Title
Batista vs. Booker T (champion)
All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker!
Okay, I’m done. All hail King Booker!
My Pick: Have you not been paying attention?
Winner: Batista via DQ. But Booker retains, so…
Current Count: 5-1
Comments: It was a DQ victory for Batista, but Booker T retains and that’s what counts in the end. So I consider it a victory for Booker. It’s a standard main event style with a crummy finish, but that’s okay.
(RAW) WWE Spinner Belt Title
Edge (champion) vs. John Cena
Cena wins the match and the belt because it’s in Boston. And hopefully, Edge will win the belt back next month in Toronto.
My Pick: John Cena
Winner: Edge
Current Count: 5-2
Comments: Cena didn’t win? There’s a surprise right there. Say what you will about Edge, but he did his part to make Cena look decent before killing him. Nice main event.
Pre-Show Comments: This is an excellent birthday present! A show with some highly anticipated matches (on both sides of the spectrum)! Looking forward to it. Later.
Post-show Comments: Guess what? Summerslam didn’t suck and I actually enjoyed the show. Everything had met their expectations and other than Hogan, everyone gave it their all. Good stuff. See you all later.
dtm666 