Six months after the mission was cancelled, former captain Archer takes matters into his own hands and enlists some unexpected help.
This is a sequel to my “Too Hot For Fanfiction.Net” parody fanfic, These Were The Voyages. I may have another one in me if I can find the time.
Disclaimer: Paramount owns Star Trek, not me.
Six months have passed since Enterprise (registry number NX-01) had returned to Earth due to the abrupt and unfortunate cancellation of their mission due to sagging interest ratings and the general disinterest of Starfleet, who have decided to shift their starship program in a different direction than normally intended. During those six months, however, Enterprise was only the first to be decommissioned callously, as Starfleet began recall nearly ninety percent of their warp-powered starships and cruisers. The remaining ten percent of the starships in active duty, crewed by inexperienced racists and overbearing valley girls.
In his home in San Francisco, former Captain Jonathan Archer was absolutely furious. As if hearing of the starship program’s cancellation was bad enough, news of Enterprise having been merciless dismantled and used for spare parts on the local freight cruisers generally made him furious. There was seemingly nothing he could do to combat the destruction of everything he held dear and that his father had helped to build… until he came across an old film from 20th century Earth; specifically the 1990s. The culture of the era befuddled Archer, but the general idea involved lots of people beating each other up. Upon finishing the movie, an idea lit in Archer’s mind.
“That’s it! What a great idea I had!” cried Archer, pumping his fist in the air. “I’ll challenge him to Mortal Kombat!”
Getting on his best vintage uniform from his navy days, Archer preceded out of his apartment doors and marched his way towards Starfleet Headquarters…
About halfway there, however, Archer stopped for a moment. “Maybe I should get some back-up… just in case…”
-o-
“Mooney here.”
“Um, sir. There’s a Captain Archer here to see you.”
“Hmm?” Mooney commented, then smacked himself silly. “Oh yeah, the idiot whose ship I tossed into the scrap heap!” He paused for a short girly giggle in recognition of that day. “Yeah, send him in.”
The doors open and in walked Captain Archer, decked out in uniform and holding a phase pistol two centuries ahead of his time… although he doesn’t know that, but SHH! Don’t tell him.
“So, Doctor Beckett,” Mooney said, “We meet again at last.”
Archer snorted. “It’s Captain Archer now. And I have just about had it with your messing up of the Starfleet!”
Mooney’ eyes briefly widened before he let out a girly giggle. “On the contrary, I’ve never seen Starfleet productivity go up ever since we’ve strayed from the stagnant starship program and went into racial sitcoms!” He looked up and raised his hands to form a screen of sorts. “Think of it. The Johnson Family Vacations aboard the Starship Intrepid, on a weekly basis. It’ll make lots of money for Movie Night!”
“You’ve shut down our space program for dumb feature films that no one would pay money for even in the twenty-first century?!” Archer was undoubtedly flabbergasted, as his tone of voice would indicate. “You’re absolutely deranged, Admiral! And I’m not going to stand for it.” From his uniform pouch, Archer pulled out a datapad and slapped it on Mooney’s glass desk. “You see that, Admiral?! It’s called a PETITION!”
Mooney studied the pad less than carefully. “A petition, you say?”
“That’s right, damn you!” Archer said as he smashed his fist onto the glass desk, cracking it slightly. “A petition to end your nefarious ways and restore the starship program! Most importantly, they want you to bring back Enterprise and her crew so we can continue with our journey of exploration!”
Mooney grunted unimpressed by Archer’s threats and tosses the pad out the window. “Your program stays dead. The decision to cancel the starship program is FINAL!”
Archer hung his head, but slowly rose to face Mooney. He hadn’t come this far to give up.
“Okay, you asked for it.” Reaching for his communicator, Archer made contact with the Public Transporter base. “Beam my companion aboard.”
Suddenly, a second transport beam flashed next to Captain Archer and from the beam emerge a tall, menacing figure in a black cloak and black life-sustaining armor suit. He wore a helmet that looked like the face of death himself. He slowly raised his hand towards Mooney, who suddenly realized who this individual was… because he is almost iconic!
“Y-You’re Anakin Skywalker!” Mooney cried then held his throat. “NO! YOU’RE DARTH VADER?! I’ll get sued for sure! Gah!”
The black-suited man sighed. “Damn those prequels for sullying my evil name and great title as ultimate villain of the universe.” With that, he slightly raised his hand to the air and both he and Archer watched as Mooney struggle haplessly to release the invisible grip crushing his throat. After what seemed like an eternity, but in reality thirty seconds, the Sith Lord dropped his hand and Mooney crumbled on the ground, letting out one last gasp before dying for good!
“Thanks, Mr. Vader,” Archer said as he gripped on the hand of the Dark Lord of the Sith, “I’ll be sure to put in a good word for your upcoming feature film.”
Vader merely nodded and walked away while Archer looked back at Mooney, who was somehow regaining consciousness despite having been force choked to death. By channeling the spirit of another evil Galactic Emperor, Archer assumed that it was too dangerous to leave him alive and promptly pulled out a Phase Pistol from his side pocket, shooting the admiral in the head. Then he left Starfleet HQ to go to the shipyards in hopes of rebuilding his Enterprise and buy it out.
Six years or so later, the Federation was founded… but we’re getting ahead of ourselves here.
-o-
Meanwhile, in an undisclosed swamp planet, an unmarked vessel crashes into the jungle trees. Out comes a ragged man, who pops out of the craft with heavy breaths. In the distance, he sees a small hut with light from within. The man slowly approaches the hut, where he is greeted by a short, green-skinned alien creature who looked on expectedly.
“Waited for you,” the creature said, “I have.”
The man nodded. “Then you know why I’m here.”
The creature nodded. “Come. Take care of you, I will.”
FIN?
dtm666 