(2025 Update: So this piece, which was written in 2004 shortly after Power Rangers Dino Thunder – the umpteenth season of Power Rangers notable for bringing Jason David Frank back into the PR fold – was going to be the annual fictional interview that I’d do with a random fictional character and just have some shits and giggles. This never got posted for some reason until maybe years later, when it was part of a Webstation redesign that lasted all of two weeks before it was back to the drawing board. And so, here it is again… for better or worse.)
Introduction
Originally written sometime in 2004 around the beginning of the Dino Thunder incarnation of Power Rangers, this interview was going to be a return of the fictional interview bit… except that this was never posted. So here’s the first little piece of history.
Dave: First of all, Mr. Oliver, thanks for joining us today and doing this interview.
Tommy: No problem, Dave. I’m always happy to entertain my fans. And please, call me Dr. O. Ui-Yah!
Dave: Er, okay. Tell me what you’ve been doing these past few years.
Tommy: Aw man, I forget. I know I escaped an exploding island, fought Serpenterra… um, got a degree in that science with dinosaurs… um, what’s it called again?
Dave: Paleontology, perhaps?
Tommy: Yeah! That’s it! And um… did I mention I escaped an exploding island?
Dave: Yes, you did. So, you did quite well for yourself. What ever happened with that stock car driving deal?
Tommy: Oh! That was only a temporary thing, you know.
Dave: So now we can officially add Black to your repitoire of Power Ranger colors. How does it feel?
Tommy: Aw man, it’s amazing. I’ve never felt anything like it!… well, except for the time I was the Green Ranger… and the White Ranger… and the Red Ranger… and the Red Ranger again… and the Red Ranger yet again… did I say Red Ranger?
Dave: Yes, you did.
Tommy: Oh, okay. So it’s nothing I’ve ever felt before! Except for when I was the Green..
Dave: OK! That’s good. Out of all the Rangers colors you’ve never been, which one would you like to be?
Tommy: I dunno, man. Cause I pretty much been in all of them. Ugh-See-Ui-Yah!!
Dave: No, you haven’t.
Tommy: Sure, I have. Name me a color.
Dave: Yellow.
Tommy: There you go! I was the Yellow Ninja Storm Ranger!
Dave: No, you weren’t.
Tommy: Yes I was.
Dave: No, that was actually a fellow named Waldo Brooks.
Tommy: Exactly, I beat the crap out of him once and stole his powers and his body with Billy’s mind-switcher thing-o-ma-bob!
Dave: Er… okay. Well, what about Pink?
Tommy: Well, I was the Pink Dino Thunder Ranger!
Dave: No, you weren’t.
Tommy: Yes, I was! I even have proof that I was the Pink Ranger. See?!
Dave: Dude, that’s obviously fake.
Tommy: Nuh-uh. That’s totally real.
Dave: That’s just the Yellow Ranger painted pink… damn, and they made you a doctor… how, exactly?
Tommy: Was that an insult?
Dave: Yes.
Tommy: Oh… well, okay. Just checking, man. OUYAH!
Dave: *sigh*
Tommy: You know I could be a calm, intelligent man if I want to be.
Dave: But you never do.
Tommy: Was that an insult too?
Dave: Yes.
Tommy: What’s the matter with you, man? Do you always treat your guests with this kind of attitude?
Dave: Only Superman, because he tried to sell me this bullshit story about being from a planet named Murray.
Tommy: And you’d insult him because of his real home origins? I’m surprised he didn’t send you flying.
Dave: He’s not from Murray, he’s from Krypton. And besides, I live under a red sun, so he’s fair game.
Tommy: Oh… right, powerless under a red sun. Good point.
Dave: Could we get on with this?
Tommy: Okay, sorry. Let’s continue.
Dave: Who’s your current girlfriend?
Tommy: Nobody.
Dave: Really? Kat dumped you or you dumped her?
Tommy: Actually, I forget.
Dave: You have a pretty hard time forgetting things, do you?
Tommy: It’s not that bad. I’ve actually improved my memory since I became the White Ranger last week.
Dave: You became the Black Ranger last week.
Tommy: Right! Like I said, I became the White Ranger last week.
Dave: Look at yourself, what color suit are you currently wearing?
Tommy: I’m wearing Black. GOOD GOD! I’M THE BLACK RANGER!! DAMN YOU, ZEDD!
Dave: Oh, for crying out loud… You’re fighting Mesogog.
Tommy: Oh… well, he can throw his best at us and I’ll take him down. HUGGIES SEE OUYAH!!
Dave: Fine, whatever.
[At this point, Red DT Ranger Connor McKnight shows up.]
Connor: Hey, Dr. O.
Tommy: Hey, Jason.
Connor: My name’s Connor, dude.
Tommy: Sure, Jay. And don’t call me dude, Rocky.
Connor: My name’s Connor, Dr. O.
Tommy: Sure, TJ. Sure.
Connor: [looking my way] And now you see why school quality is going down when they let THIS guy teach. I’m almost considering dropping out.
Tommy: Sure, Jason. Be a quitter, ’cause that’s what quitters do!
Connor: Man, fuck this shit! I’m outta here.
Tommy: Did he use the F-Bomb? DETENTION FOR FIVE YEARS, YOUNG MAN!!!
[Connor has left the stage]
Dave: You’re a moron, you know that?
Tommy: No! I, um… Did I mention I escaped an exploding island?
Dave: You’re suffering from Alzheimer’s, aren’t you?
Tommy: What gives you that impression?
Dave: You don’t remember that earlier interview I did a long time ago? That interview so screwed up I made a short mockumentary around it.
Tommy: Which one was it?
Dave: You really don’t know? It was called “Tommy Is A Pansy.” Number 1 on the Box Office for five months, made over $11 trillion in mass marketing and box office sales.
Tommy: GODDAMMIT! I’M NOT A PANSY! I… er, I mean, I’ve never heard of that film.
Dave: I know you paid off Goldar to throw the fights he had with you, just to make you look good!
Tommy: Shut up! That’s not true! Goldar is one of Rita and Zedd’s strongest monsters and I’m always a bit better than him!
Dave: I also know you paid off Kimberly to be a whiny bitch that keeps crying “Save me, Tommy! Tommy, save me!” and get a few good lays because you couldn’t get any on your own! And then you probably tried to do the same to Kat, who stuck with for a couple years before she got fed up and dumped your ass, too. That’s what happened, didn’t it?!
Tommy: SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
Dave: I know you paid Dr. Edward Payne off to recommend you to get that job with Mercer rather than have him accept it because you knew that would be your meal ticket back onto the Power Rangers gravy train. Otherwise, you’d be wallowing away in south California doing porn films for the rest of your life.
Tommy: SHUT YOUR MOUTH OR I WILL HUGGIES SEE OUYA YO’ ASS AND… and… and… ah, hell… you’re right. I’m a total pansy. I have been for years…
[long period of silence]
Dave: Well… that sure was something.
[Tommy doesn’t answer. His face is firmly in palms as muffled cries could be heard.]
Dave: I think I’ve done enough damage for one year… can we get a decent interview for next year? I’d appreciate it, thanks.
dtm666 