Another fictional conversation with another fictional character. Believe it or not, there’s another one in the works.
Dave: Thanks for joining on this fictional interview.
Kirk: My pleasure… and yours too.
Dave: Right… So, Captain Kirk. I suppose the first question I have to ask is… how’s the afterlife?
Kirk: Not too bad, actually. I’ve seen lots of strange new worlds, had sex plenty of women, and even beat my brother in 3D chess five times in a row. All from the comfort of my own cloud home. So yeah, I actually enjoy the afterlife at this time.
Dave: So you don’t mind being dead?
Kirk: Absolutely not! Because you’re not bound by limitations and laws.
Dave: Sounds like a cool place.
Kirk: Oh man, I can’t tell you how good this place really is! You’ll have to wait until you die.
Dave: That’s cool, man. I can afford the wait, but do you mind if I ask a few uncomfortable questions?
Kirk: How uncomfortable?
Dave: Well, they have to do with the recent cancellation of new Star Trek programming…
Kirk [looks around for if anyone else is close by]: Did you see Tucker running around here? He’s absolutely mortified that he got killed off and his last official appearance on that show is that of a hologram. I tell you what, kid. These kids have no idea how good they had it.
Dave: Really?
Kirk: They have hot women. We had women in hot skirts.
Dave: What’s wrong with that?
Kirk: Er… um, never mind that. What I meant to say was that they had neat seats, we had these cheapie sets.
Dave: Actually, they had the cheapie sets featured on a recent episode and they still looked good.
Kirk: Uh, yeah. I know that, but they had proper lighting. Back in that 60s show, everything needed good ol’ regular light because the budget couldn’t afford not to pay the electric company a little less by turning off the lights for mood instead of just turning them off to indicate the ship’s in danger! I mean, what’s that all about? And that’s another thing that pisses me off.
Dave: The lights?
Kirk: Not the lights, the constant explosions. In that whole original series run, I only had a couple explosions on my bridge or anywhere else. You look at Picard’s ship, how many explosions has he had? Or Archer’s ship? Or Sisko’s ships? Or even that chick’s ship?
Dave: Too many to remember.
Kirk: Exactly! When has Starfleet gone so cheap not to afford circuit breakers every once in a while so that these stupidities would be prevented?
Dave: Kirk, if you don’t mind, I’ll be asking the questions.
Kirk: Oh, sorry. Got carried away.
Dave: So what are your thoughts on the New Voyages webseries?
Kirk: What is that?
Dave: Apparently a bunch of kids remade your old ship and have younger people playing your characters as a tribute or something.
Kirk: I never seen it.
Dave: Really? Well, I have a sample for you to check out.
[Dave loads a clip of New Voyages where “Kirk” addresses the crew. Kirk looks at it with great anger building. Dave leaves for coffee.]
Kirk [increasing rage]: I’m Captain Kirk.
Cawley Kirk: Blah Blah Blah
Kirk: I’m Captain Kirk!
[Kirk knocks away monitor and rips his shirt]
Kirk: I’M CAPTAIN FUCKING KIRK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Dave comes back with coffee]
Kirk: I’m Captain Kirk!
Dave: Shut up and sit down. That’s an order.
Kirk: Yes, sir.
[Kirk calms down and sits down.]
Dave: Moving along, what do you think of William Shatner?
Kirk: An embarassment to the music industry. I never did like his Slim Shady song.
Dave: What?
Kirk: His Slim Shady song. You know, “Will the real Slim Shady please stand up? Please Stand Up?”
Dave: No, Shatner’s an actor. Famous for his portrayal of you.
Kirk: Right, now I remember… Like I said, an embarassment.
Dave: I see.
Kirk: Now let me ask you a question: who’s tougher? Me or Han Solo?
Dave: What?
Kirk: Am I tougher than Han Solo or am I tougher than Han Solo?
Dave: I know that Han Solo is cooler than Captain Kirk. It resulted in Shatner telling a kid to kick the little fucker’s ass.
Kirk [looking shocked]: How dare you use that language with me!
Dave: Sorry, it just slipped.
Kirk [standing up]: Well, I won’t stand for it! This interview is over!
[Kirk walks off and Dave leaves too.]
THE END
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