So a while back, I had come across MAD About Superheroes, which was a collection of MAD Magazine strips and pieces about superheroes. One of the pieces included was called “Superman R.I.P.” and was no doubt released during the hype period surrounding the Death of Superman story in the 90s… and yes, Superman is still around today, so that amounted to nothing.
Anyway, in one of the frames, Superman is shelling out his guts to a therapist and the thought occurred… what was the guy actually saying during that session? I don’t know, either… but I ended up writing this thing, which turned out to be… quite something else.
Originally dubbed a “Fictional Interview” but retitled something less mechanical and soulless… and yes, there are more of these to come.
Dave: Superman, thanks for joining me for this interview.
Superman [sulking]: Whatever.
Dave: Hey, Superman. What’s the matter?
Superman: I’m not so popular anymore.
Dave: What do you mean?
Superman: I feel betrayed by the public because they gave Spider-Man a shitload of money.
Dave: Ah, I see.
Superman: That’s like more money than my movies ever did.
Dave: Um…
Superman: Then there were rampant rumors that I was going to get another movie.
Dave: Yeah, I’ve heard…
Superman: But now, I have to share it with Batman.
Dave: Oh, that’s not bad. Hey, both your movies were crap after the originals.
Superman: But at least Batman had some collectable toys and stuff. Damn, he even has a couple of television commercials under his utility belt. All I got are a bunch of cheap-ass cartoons.
Dave: I don’t know, man. I thought they were pretty good.
Superman: Pretty good?! They sucked! And do you want to know why?
Dave: Shoot.
Superman: Do you know how long Batman has had a cartoon? Two years. Two god-damned years later, I finally get a cartoon, but soon it becomes the Batman/Superman Adventures! What is that all about?!
Dave: So? You’ve had some TV shows.
Superman: TV?! Batman has a fairly popular show in the sixties, a decent cartoon series, and even his own commercials. And what do I get? Lois and Clark?!
Dave: That show wasn’t so bad…
Superman: It sucked @$$!!! God knows I wouldn’t have taken some jackass like Dean Cain…
Dave: You thought Dean Cain was bad? I didn’t really think. I mean, sure he wasn’t a mild-mannered Clark Kent…
Superman: Come on! He’s terrible. I heard he was part oriental even. Does anyone believe in an oriental Superman?! That’s like embracing a Japanese Spider-Man!
Dave: Actually, there is a good group of people that embrace Toei’s Spider-Man, Superman…
Superman: Okay, okay, so Cain’s not bad. Besides, I really rather be doing Teri Hatcher than Margot Kidder anyways.
Dave [shocked]: DUDE! This is a PG website! Only I curse and talk sex if I want to! Get your act together.
Superman: Just can it, man.
Dave: Can what?
Superman: Stop presuming that just because I’m wearing a nice blue and red costume with a big red S on my chest it means I have to be a role model and a boy scout.
Dave: Well, that’s how the comics depict you.
Superman: Comic books are fictional. They are never entirely accurate. In my case, they are WAY off!
Dave: Give me an example.
Superman: Okay, the comic claims that I was shot from the exploding planet of Krypton in a rocketship when I was a baby. Totally false. I came here via spaceship from the planet Murray when I turned 18. I decided to live with a nice elderly couple in Milwaukee, where I brewed more beer faster than Stone Cold Steve Austin got out of jail.
Dave: Really?
Superman: Yeah, really.
Dave: You’re from a planet called Murray?
Superman: Yeah, so?
Dave: What’s your real name?
Superman: What do you think it is?
Dave: Kal-El? Clark Kent?
Superman: Hell no! My real birth name is Super Mann.
Dave: Superman?
Superman: Yes! Super Harton Mann. Now can I finish my origin?
Dave: Sure.
Superman: Thank you… So now all of a sudden, I found out about a comic called Superman. I read and I look at all the crap that they’ve been writing about me.
Dave: Well, it’s really not about you.
Superman: What are you? Stupid? Of course it’s about me. It’s called Superman! My name is Super Mann!
Dave: Okay, but THEIR Superman was raised in Kansas.
Superman: Sure, sure. They changed a lot of that stuff around because of “creative license” and all that bull$#!% nobody ever looks into.
Dave: Okay, since it IS about you, there is something that comes to mind.
Superman: Shoot.
Dave: What the $@%# were you doing in a He-Man comic book?
Superman: Uh… where did you learn about that?
Dave: The comic shop’s back issue bin. I’ve also learned about it from X-E.
Superman: Oh, right.
Dave: And what about that time when the guy you saved from falling bricks kicked you in the super-balls? What happened?
Superman: Uh… can’t talk now! Gotta fight the… um… Green Goblin!
Dave: Huh?
[Superman flies off.]
Dave: Hey, wait a minute, dumb-ass! The Green Goblin is a Spider-Man enemy, you [I’d continue, but the rest is profanity all the way, so I’ll cut myself out here!]
THE END
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